So far for me, motherhood AND life have been a lot of sitting in the mud. It's not clean, pretty, or organized. It's not polished, professional, or smooth. It's MESSY.
We are all a mess. ALL OF US. Some of us cover it up more than others, but don't be fooled by the pretty Instagram post of all the children smiling, the toys put away, and the clean, white walls and cabinets in someone else's kitchen. Pinterest is not a standard that can EVER be achieved without sacrificing some other piece of the puzzle.
Every Sunday evening, our group of friends take turns hosting dinner for the rest of us. The host prepares the food, and cleans up afterwards. There are approximately 17 adults and 16 kids if we all show up! Just imagine pure chaos. That's what it's like. Toys and food crumbs everywhere, chairs and food plates strewn about. There isn't a concerted effort to put away any toys afterwards, and while it's sometimes frustrating, it's taught me a lot of grace for hosting. I think there is a time for helping to clean up a mess you made, but with so many kids and specific places to put the toys, I think this is not it. (Can you imagine me standing over 16 kids directing them? I have trouble doing that with just one and she's my child!) So, hosting DR is a big deal, but even less so if you just let it go. It's going to be a mess, but nothing that an hour or so of organizing, cleaning, and taking out the trash will fix. And it's WORTH IT. The whole point is community and allowing a touch point for the adults and play time for the children. It started when the founding members were in college, and mostly going to the same church. Now that we've grown and moved around, this touchpoint is sometimes the only real conversation we have all week. It doesn't replace deep connection and prayer, but it does provide a space to be seen and heard, and sometimes, called out. I've received (and sent) texts afterwards like "are you ok? you seemed kind of off" multiple times.
Dinner Rotation has given me the gift of letting go. If my kids want to do an activity that will possibly make a mess, I hesitate. Is the joy of the activity going to be shadowed by the amount of clean up? And that's a wrestling point for me. I love to be clean and organized. But over the years of hosting people in my house, both large and small in numbers, have taught me to just let it go. It will be worth it. Making a mess and having fun are the stuff memories are made of, aren't they?
Nothing allows me to realize the mud of motherhood and life are actually not that bad than having people over. I'm slowly learning that hosting and opening my home are the best ways to extend grace and love - to others for sure, but also to myself.
Monday, July 1, 2019
Friday, February 22, 2019
I Am a Better Mom Because I Work
Most days I am 100% confident of my, our, decision to "work outside the home." Obviously the culture around working mothers has changed drastically in the last 70 years, so even knowing how to phrase this statement is difficult - how do you communicate that you are fully on board with the "new" shift in culture, while also respecting the traditional view and values? As I've navigated these mothering waters for almost 4 years, I've learned there's not a consensus on any of the terminology. We try, we receive reactions (which are constructed by our own fears and assumptions), and we change. And eventually a terminology settles. But nevertheless, we have found something that works wonderfully for our family. I spent a lot, ahem, of money on my degrees with full intention of using them and my giftings to help others. It never did really occur to me that not working was a good fit. I always saw myself as a working mom.
I've been listening to a podcast called The Longest Shortest Time for several years, and they did a 4-part series on working mothers back in 2017. It was a huge eye-opener for me at the time, because I didn't realize how deeply the struggle goes in trying to work full-time and also be a mother, both for myself and others. It also gave me some validation in frustrations that I was feeling in trying to "balance it all" (don't worry; it's not real - no one is balancing it all). To hear other moms put words to it was so liberating and validating. While listening to the 4 podcast episodes, I was indignant and angry, other times super thankful to have the environment and support that I do. The series is excellent - even if you aren't a working mom - and covers such a wide variety of situations and most importantly, gives steps going forward.
Around the same time that the series came out, my own mother announced that she was retiring after almost 40 years working for the public library in the city I grew up in. As a gesture of appreciation, myself and my two brothers bought her a 1950's librarian textbook, which ironically needed some archivist love on the book jacket (which I'm sure she took care of). We each wrote her a letter for the occasion, and tucked it inside the book.
As I was wrapping the book, my throat got tight, my chest warm, and my eyes began to moisten. I realized the small gift we were giving to my mom was a token of the huge gift she had given me. Growing up in the library, I spent many an after-school and evening perusing the books and magazines, only because I had to be there and had nothing else to do. Mom needed to cover a shift for one of her employees? C'mon kids, lets go hangout at the library! There were so many things I took for granted at the time: access to the world's information (before the internet), how to approach and be around people who didn't look or act like me from a very early age, and most of all how to be bored and find wonder amongst the rows and rows of adventure. I also learned a love of reading, which has carried me through until today, where I constantly have more books on my nightstand than I could ever read!
Most of all, I realized that because she worked, I am who I am today. She gave us an incredible gift of showing us how to love and serve others, while also loving and serving her family. I got to see the mess that it was - she never did all of those perfectly - none of us do - but that was the beauty of it: seeing the struggle and seeing the resolution. My mom expressed several times that she wished she could spend more time with us at home, and that carried with me into adulthood, wondering if I would feel the same with my own children. But as a working mom now, I realize that while I may not know what Avery or Rhett will remember from their childhoods in relation to me working, they're going to be okay. I'm not abandoning them to let someone else raise them, I'm not a bad mother for wanting space and time to myself, and if anything, I have realized I am a much BETTER mother when I do work. If my goal is to be the best mom possible, I have to keep that in mind. My hope is that Avery and Rhett learn exactly what I did: it's ok to struggle. It's ok to make mistakes, to choose other things, and to take time for yourself. Of course, they could learn that with me taking care of them full time at home, but this way fits.
I am so thankful for a job that I love (and am decently good at!), coworkers who are like family, and a beautiful family to come home to. I count being a wife and mother two of my highest callings in life, and I'm glad Avery and Rhett will grow up with that piece of their story. And when I retire, I would love to hear what they thought of it! How did that shape them? How are they who they are because of the decision we made? Ah, the adventure of parenting!
I've been listening to a podcast called The Longest Shortest Time for several years, and they did a 4-part series on working mothers back in 2017. It was a huge eye-opener for me at the time, because I didn't realize how deeply the struggle goes in trying to work full-time and also be a mother, both for myself and others. It also gave me some validation in frustrations that I was feeling in trying to "balance it all" (don't worry; it's not real - no one is balancing it all). To hear other moms put words to it was so liberating and validating. While listening to the 4 podcast episodes, I was indignant and angry, other times super thankful to have the environment and support that I do. The series is excellent - even if you aren't a working mom - and covers such a wide variety of situations and most importantly, gives steps going forward.
Around the same time that the series came out, my own mother announced that she was retiring after almost 40 years working for the public library in the city I grew up in. As a gesture of appreciation, myself and my two brothers bought her a 1950's librarian textbook, which ironically needed some archivist love on the book jacket (which I'm sure she took care of). We each wrote her a letter for the occasion, and tucked it inside the book.
As I was wrapping the book, my throat got tight, my chest warm, and my eyes began to moisten. I realized the small gift we were giving to my mom was a token of the huge gift she had given me. Growing up in the library, I spent many an after-school and evening perusing the books and magazines, only because I had to be there and had nothing else to do. Mom needed to cover a shift for one of her employees? C'mon kids, lets go hangout at the library! There were so many things I took for granted at the time: access to the world's information (before the internet), how to approach and be around people who didn't look or act like me from a very early age, and most of all how to be bored and find wonder amongst the rows and rows of adventure. I also learned a love of reading, which has carried me through until today, where I constantly have more books on my nightstand than I could ever read!
Most of all, I realized that because she worked, I am who I am today. She gave us an incredible gift of showing us how to love and serve others, while also loving and serving her family. I got to see the mess that it was - she never did all of those perfectly - none of us do - but that was the beauty of it: seeing the struggle and seeing the resolution. My mom expressed several times that she wished she could spend more time with us at home, and that carried with me into adulthood, wondering if I would feel the same with my own children. But as a working mom now, I realize that while I may not know what Avery or Rhett will remember from their childhoods in relation to me working, they're going to be okay. I'm not abandoning them to let someone else raise them, I'm not a bad mother for wanting space and time to myself, and if anything, I have realized I am a much BETTER mother when I do work. If my goal is to be the best mom possible, I have to keep that in mind. My hope is that Avery and Rhett learn exactly what I did: it's ok to struggle. It's ok to make mistakes, to choose other things, and to take time for yourself. Of course, they could learn that with me taking care of them full time at home, but this way fits.
I am so thankful for a job that I love (and am decently good at!), coworkers who are like family, and a beautiful family to come home to. I count being a wife and mother two of my highest callings in life, and I'm glad Avery and Rhett will grow up with that piece of their story. And when I retire, I would love to hear what they thought of it! How did that shape them? How are they who they are because of the decision we made? Ah, the adventure of parenting!
Sunday, December 2, 2018
I Live in Luxury
I live in luxury. I am so blessed that most days, I am unaware of what I possess and who I am. I go about most of my days longing for something more, when what is around me is more than enough.
I am secure. If I ever, ever need help, I have the Creator of the Universe within earshot of my voice, no matter how feeble or doubtful it is. What's even better is that the Creator listens, knows me more than I ever could, and answers me with such love and kindness. I am never left ashamed or embarrassed for asking. He is the kindest Creator. Even when I ask for what seems impossible, the Creator has the power and desire to make it possible. He actually specializes in what we call the "impossible," which is all just normal to Him. He longs to show His love to us by breaking through our thick skulls and broadening our view of who He is. This Creator literally can create anything out of nothing; just look around you at the trees and grass and flowers. He literally made the intricate anatomy of the seeds, prescribed their growth, and designed a process for them to sustain themselves. He orchestrates PLANETS. He designed the STARS. And he cares about each flower in the field.
So why do I doubt? Why does my gaze fall on despair and not trust the truth in front of me?
Gratefulness. Thankfulness. Shifting my perspective from what is hard to what is GOOD. Actually making a conscious choice to focus on the blessing, not the curse. Choosing to see the good around me and rejoicing. Allowing my thought patterns to be founded in the Creator and how He thinks about me. That is how I climb out of disillusionment. THAT is how I have joy no matter the circumstances.
I am secure. If I ever, ever need help, I have the Creator of the Universe within earshot of my voice, no matter how feeble or doubtful it is. What's even better is that the Creator listens, knows me more than I ever could, and answers me with such love and kindness. I am never left ashamed or embarrassed for asking. He is the kindest Creator. Even when I ask for what seems impossible, the Creator has the power and desire to make it possible. He actually specializes in what we call the "impossible," which is all just normal to Him. He longs to show His love to us by breaking through our thick skulls and broadening our view of who He is. This Creator literally can create anything out of nothing; just look around you at the trees and grass and flowers. He literally made the intricate anatomy of the seeds, prescribed their growth, and designed a process for them to sustain themselves. He orchestrates PLANETS. He designed the STARS. And he cares about each flower in the field.
So why do I doubt? Why does my gaze fall on despair and not trust the truth in front of me?
Gratefulness. Thankfulness. Shifting my perspective from what is hard to what is GOOD. Actually making a conscious choice to focus on the blessing, not the curse. Choosing to see the good around me and rejoicing. Allowing my thought patterns to be founded in the Creator and how He thinks about me. That is how I climb out of disillusionment. THAT is how I have joy no matter the circumstances.
Tuesday, May 29, 2018
He's In The Waiting
"And now, O Lord, for who do I wait? My hope is in you."
-Psalm 39:7
As you know from the previous post, we've been waiting a while for a huge miracle and received it! Well, after the reality of that breakthrough sank in, I thought, how fun! We don't have to wait anymore!
Wrong.
It takes approximately 9 months for a baby to reach full gestation. NINE MONTHS. We had already waited over 1.5 years, so what's a few more months?
But then I began to look around my house and realized this was just going to be a full year of waiting. With the will-we-get-pregnant-or-not question out of the way, I was able to see other things that we had put on hold while we waited. Construction began on the addition to our house (which ironically we began planning for around the same time as we started trying to get pregnant), and it (still) is an seemingly endless process of waiting. They dropped the dumpster off in our driveway back in February, we cleared out the garage and rearranged our closets and guest room to accommodate the storage, but then nothing for a few months. A structural review issue. Need to submit permits again to the city. Wait some more. Then finally! In mid-April, they tore the ceiling out of our garage and floor out of the attic and began to prep for framing. Like, literally one day I came home and it was all different. But still more waiting! There's no apparent timeline for completion, and things are moving along, but still I wait until it's DONE.
I can see the progress as plain as day - it's right outside my bedroom door! I realize this is a gift; oftentimes when we are waiting, the real anxiety and impatience comes because we can't see what's going on behind the scenes (and there is most always something going on behind the scenes! See 2 Kings 6). The only hope we can hold onto is the result - or the idea of the result we have in our head - how we want it to turn out.
But even with the progress right in front of me, I'm still impatient. I'm a planner by nature, so you know that I already have to-do lists for the very moment the room is done. This furniture goes here, buy Avery a new bed, move crib to baby's room, start buying baby's furniture and decorating, etc., all leading up to the baby's due date. Maybe it's the "nesting" part of pregnancy, but honestly I just want to be settled! After 1.5 years of waiting for what our next season might be - questions hanging in the balance, the roller coaster of trust and belief - it feels good to have something concrete to hold onto. For so long we didn't even know IF God was going to expand our family, so now that we have the "go," I'm going!
Recently at church, we sang a song that was so dear to my heart during our period of waiting (and honestly still is). It was surreal, all-encompassing, full-circle experience to sing a song that you once verbally professed as "I hope this happens" but now can sing it as "this is truth."
Take courage my heart
Stay steadfast my soul
He's in the waiting
He's in the waiting
Hold onto your hope
As your triumph unfolds
He's never failing
He's never failing
Sing praise my soul
Find strength in joy
Let His Words lead you on
Do not forget His great faithfulness
He'll finish all He's begun
As the worship team and congregation sang, my throat closed up, tears streamed down my face, and I began what I call the ugly cry of connection, when my heart and God's collide. Hopefully no one was actually watching me or they might think I needed some medical attention. I was able to offer this song back to God as a thank you for his faithfulness, for the all the times I sung it cautiously, but now could sing it with confidence. What a gift!
The truth is, He IS in the waiting. There was so much we learned as a couple and as a family in that time, as our community surrounded us and prayed for us, as I saw multiple friends announce their pregnancies but learned how to respond with grace, and as we walked the road of belief and trust in the impossible. While it was extremely difficult, it was also extremely sweet. Waiting requires a lot of activity - namely, continually and actively giving over the thing you're holding onto, and releasing it to the God who created the stars and the galaxies above. I'm so grateful for that specific season of waiting, and honestly excited for this next season of waiting, as painful as it seems right now.
My hope and eyes are not fixed on that moment, that final sweet moment when I get to hold my son in my arms (here come the tears!), but on God. I'm encouraged by everyone in the Bible who had to wait as well: Abraham to see the promises that God spoke, Noah for the waters to recede (even after the sun came out!), the Israelites to be freed from Egypt, all those who were sick to be healed by Jesus, and the Jews who were waiting for their Messiah to come. As I read over these stories, I see that God give us promises to hold onto, and sometimes we get caught up in the result, but He's really more interested in the process. He wants to see our hearts cleave to His, and that process and change is worth whatever wait we are asked to endure.
Monday, May 14, 2018
The Miracle We Have Been Waiting For
"God is not man that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. He has said, and will he not do it? Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it?" -Numbers 23;19
"Go home to your friends and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you..." -Mark 5:19
I read the these two verses recently and they prompted me that it was time. Time to tell the story, the testimony, the miracle, and joy in our hearts and spirits. It's also conveniently timed with me entering my second trimester, which means I feel all sorts of better!
To begin, you need to know the impossibility in which this miracle takes place. When I was 18, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease (Wegener's), and the treatment at the time was a course of low-dose chemo that I was warned could cause infertility. Being young, single, and very sick, I obliged, and I got better. Over the years, I went in and out of remission, but with each flare up, would use different drugs to keep my immune system calm. About six months before I started dating my now husband, I was diagnosed as being "peri-menopausal," meaning I hadn't had a period for over 6 months, but they typically diagnose menopause as no period for a year. My ovaries had no eggs left and were shutting down, they said. That day was really weird - after I heard the news, I went home and laid in bed, expecting some sort of grief to wash over me. But it didn't. I even had a friend pray for me, and she felt like it wasn't a diagnosis I was supposed to receive. It all felt very foreign and not apart of me.
Going into marriage, my now husband and I knew we wanted children right away, so my OB recommended we visit with an infertility specialist, given my history. The specialist basically gave us two options; we could spend lots of money on treatments or we could try on our own. With faith the God could do the impossible, we chose to try on our own. Miraculously, six months into our marriage we found out we were expecting a baby! It was so surreal - I actually had a hard time receiving the gift of conception because my faith wasn't very strong - I wasn't really sure He would do it! I knew He could, but I'm not sure I believed He would. On June 26, 2105, we welcomed Avery Joy Bassett into the world. Every single day, I look at her and know she is a miracle!
Around Avery's first birthday, we began talking about trying for baby #2. Knowing the odds against us but also how quickly we got pregnant with Avery, we dove head first into the process. After 4-5 months of trying on our own, I made an appointment with my OB. He tried a few medications for several months, but ultimately sent us back to the fertility specialist. This time, the specialist was shocked and in disbelief we conceived on our own, but also had the same advice this time around: you can try some expensive treatments, or you can try on your own. He even said, "I don't see how this happened. But if you want to try again, prove me wrong." We chose, again, to try on our own.
At this point, we had been trying to conceive for about 9 months, and the roller coaster of emotions and anxiety about the future was weighing on us. We had close friends announce they were pregnant and give birth in that time period, and it was a hard road to walk. I realized we had been running head first down a road we never asked God about. So we turned to Him, and found that He not only is a miracle worker, but He also reveals himself in the process of waiting. So we leaned into the waiting, and as we did, learned more than we could ever imagine about how big and powerful God is.
During the summer, I read infertility testimonies online to boost my faith and had friends pray over me and receive words like "your next child will be from your womb," and "Avery squared ... there will be more children." I listened and latched onto songs like Yes and Amen (Housefires), More (Red Rocks Worship), and Take Courage (Bethel). I poured myself into scripture and looked up all the fertility-related promises. I experienced amazing amounts of breakthrough in other areas of my life (food, self control, and emotional freedom and forgiveness). I picked up my pencil and paper again and began to draw what my heart was feeling - alone, sitting in a waiting room, watching friends walk out of the door with babies while I just sat there. I even got to share the journey I was on during a women's brunch at my church, which was a huge faith-builditng moment for me!
But then nothing happened. By the time December rolled around, I was getting discouraged. God, I shared with 100+ women this journey of infertility - are you just going to leave me now?! What a lame story to end with nothing! But God never leaves us. He never lets our stories disappear; He not only completes them, but He finishes them better than we ever thought possible! One day in January, I was sitting reading John 11, the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead. When I read the words that Jesus spoke ("Lazarus, come out!"), I started immediately bawling. I had no idea what was going on, but looking back now, I can see that God was doing something in my spirt and the spiritual realm to awaken dead things in my life and body!
I began to have regular periods again, which was a shock, but also faith building. Something was working! Ha! In February of this year, a friend of our church's, Joe Ewen, preached on Sunday morning. His text was from Isaiah 50 ("Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and cry to her that her warfare is ended... every valley shall be lifted up, and every mountain and hill be made low... and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed..."). I knew this word was for me and claimed it as such! I also received some beautiful words from Joe and others who prayed over me: it will be a season of plundering in an orchard - taking back that which was lost, a picture of me running through a field and embracing my Father with joy, and a picture of my heart being free and able to breathe again. I came home that Sunday grateful for the revelation, but also still not sure what it all meant! As we prayed about it, my husband got a sense that God was asking us to stand up and leave the waiting room. It felt hard, but also I was so willing at this point to go wherever He was leading, kind of like how God essentially told Moses "go where I send you. When you get there, I'll tell you." I'd said YES to Him before, and never regretted it. So we did; we committed the future of our family to the Lord and said yes. I honestly was in a place of complete surrender. I was open to anything and began thinking about adoption as a possibility. I hadn't done much research, but began to build expectancy for what God had next for us.
On the morning of February 27, I awoke with the song You Came (Lazarus) (Bethel) in my head. I even wrote in my journal, "Lord, I don't know what this looks like. It sounds exciting, so do it!" That afternoon, I got home from work early. I was two days late on my period, and so on a whim decided to take a test "just because" I wanted to know what was going on so I could track it. After the 3 minutes was up, I glanced a the test strip and froze. Two. Solid. Lines. Positive.
I probably sat there for at least 5 minutes, not moving. I got up and paced back and forth. I took another test. Positive. I called my OB and made an appointment, then sat on the couch and bawled my eyes out, heaving and ugly crying all over the place. IT HAPPENED! HE CAME! I KNEW THAT HE WOULD COME!
I foraged and finally found the "Big Sister" shirt I had reserved for Avery to wear for such an occasion (it was buried beneath tubs of clothes!), picked her up from school, and put the shirt on her. I told her she was going to be a big sister, but I'm not sure she really got it. I couldn't wait until my husband got home! When he did finally walk in the door, he was in disbelief, but also so excited! What joy we shared! It was brief, however, because I had tickets to see Jen Hatmaker and Nichole Nordeman that night and needed to leave 5 minutes after he arrived. So it was kind of a "Hi, I'm pregnant after 18 months of trying, bye!" sort of deal! But as soon as the program was over, I rushed home and we celebrated and praised God.
I'm now 17 weeks along, and baby is doing fine! Shortly after finding out we were pregnant, I had several weeks of nausea and fatigue, a few sinus infections, and had to start a round of prednisone due to the autoimmune disease. But God is my protector and He has created this little baby BOY in my body; He will complete the story and bring all glory to Him.
As I share with others the joyous news, especially those who have walked this journey with us, I'm overwhelmed EACH time by the faithfulness of God. It's so unfathomable. It's so grand and beyond what we see. I'm committed to telling this story all my days: I want to encourage and remind others just how faithful He is and above all, that HE IS GOOD. So so good!
"I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord." - Psalm 40:1-3
Saturday, December 30, 2017
The Art of Receiving
What did you get for Christmas? Was it what you were hoping for? What you put on your list? Or was it something that you thought was out of left field and is still sitting in its original packaging, waiting until you decide if you're going to donate it or actually use it?
This year, as Christmas crept closer, I noticed an interesting thought that kept pushing its way forward in my mind: if people just give me what I want, then I'll be happy. All you have to do is look at the Christmas list I sent out BEFORE Thanksgiving, giving you plenty of time to procure the appropriate items. These, and only these items are the only guaranteed way to put a genuine smile on my face on Christmas day.
Oof. It sounds even more ridiculous when I type it out! How did I begin to think like this? I used to be so appreciative of any gift I received, and all of a sudden I'm demanding specifics to ensure my happiness. As I thought deeper, I remembered all the times I received a gift that fell way short of my expectations (two Mason jars, last Christmas - yes, that was the whole gift!). I remembered the disappointment, the awkwardness in trying to sound grateful, the worry of what I was going to do with the item. In order to prevent such event from happening again, I did what a lot of us do when we are hurt - I made some rules. The rules were: only buy from my list. (Of course, this was all in my head - I would never tell anyone that to their face! Ha!) But I made sure my list was long enough to feel inclusive of different ideas, but not too long to appear needy.
I've been married for almost 4 years, and early on in our marriage I realized that my husband and I had different expectations for gifts. He is super unique and has super unique interests, so things got complicated in trying to pinpoint the perfect gift. I, however, generally appreciate any gift, but especially those that are thoughtful - those that show how deep the giver knows me. These might be things I've secretly wanted, or the giver thought I would enjoy, and they hit the mark. Conversely, if I got a gift of say, mint-flavored anything, I would feel really misunderstood. If they really knew me, they would know I hate mint! Why did they give this to me?! This present is awful! I was able to recover fairly well on the outside, but inside I was so disappointed. Obviously, they didn't know me. And one of my greatest desires is to be deeply known.
I don't think I'm that different than others, however. We all desire to be deeply known. But we also are busy. It's hard to make time to get to know someone to the level we all really want to. Even my own spouse I'm still getting to know, and we spend the most time together. So when it comes time for gifting, we guess. We take hints here and there, and maybe our mind lights up as we are shopping or we spot a particular item that reminds us of the person. We think, "oh, they'll love that!" But really its just a guess.
The other side of giving is the joy we have, as the giver, when the recipient receives their gift well. You know what I'm talking about - the anticipation of giving a gift is almost too much sometimes! We just want to see the joy on their face when they open it up! Some years I'm actually more excited to see others open their gifts from me than I am to open my own!
But back to my story. After I realized my "stinkin' thinkin'" was not going to set me up well, I did a 180 and decided I was going to be grateful for any gift I received. I would smile, say thank you, and relish in my heart how grateful I really was to receive something I didn't deserve. Because really, what is Christmas about? GIVING. God gave us His only Son. Did I do anything for that gift? Nope. But it's just what I needed.
So what if, instead of making lists and rules and expecting specific things, we all were just grateful to have people in our lives who spend time thinking about us, spend money on a gift, and spend more time wrapping and arranging a time for us to open it (oftentimes including preparing food and hosting)? Stuff is nice, but it's really the people that surround us that will enliven our joy. At the end of the day, we all pack suitcases and travel and grocery shop and stay up late making cookies so that we can spend time with people, not so we can receive gifts.
I may never know for certain how much people have enjoyed my gifts over the years, but I do know that the real point is for the joy of giving to continue. I want to know the person is grateful for the time and effort I put into the gift, and whether they use it or hate it is up to them. The real gift we can give each other is the gift of gratefulness. And you don't even have to fake it! No matter what you are given, receive it well. Say thank you. Be grateful. And see the joy continue.
This year, as Christmas crept closer, I noticed an interesting thought that kept pushing its way forward in my mind: if people just give me what I want, then I'll be happy. All you have to do is look at the Christmas list I sent out BEFORE Thanksgiving, giving you plenty of time to procure the appropriate items. These, and only these items are the only guaranteed way to put a genuine smile on my face on Christmas day.
Oof. It sounds even more ridiculous when I type it out! How did I begin to think like this? I used to be so appreciative of any gift I received, and all of a sudden I'm demanding specifics to ensure my happiness. As I thought deeper, I remembered all the times I received a gift that fell way short of my expectations (two Mason jars, last Christmas - yes, that was the whole gift!). I remembered the disappointment, the awkwardness in trying to sound grateful, the worry of what I was going to do with the item. In order to prevent such event from happening again, I did what a lot of us do when we are hurt - I made some rules. The rules were: only buy from my list. (Of course, this was all in my head - I would never tell anyone that to their face! Ha!) But I made sure my list was long enough to feel inclusive of different ideas, but not too long to appear needy.
I've been married for almost 4 years, and early on in our marriage I realized that my husband and I had different expectations for gifts. He is super unique and has super unique interests, so things got complicated in trying to pinpoint the perfect gift. I, however, generally appreciate any gift, but especially those that are thoughtful - those that show how deep the giver knows me. These might be things I've secretly wanted, or the giver thought I would enjoy, and they hit the mark. Conversely, if I got a gift of say, mint-flavored anything, I would feel really misunderstood. If they really knew me, they would know I hate mint! Why did they give this to me?! This present is awful! I was able to recover fairly well on the outside, but inside I was so disappointed. Obviously, they didn't know me. And one of my greatest desires is to be deeply known.
I don't think I'm that different than others, however. We all desire to be deeply known. But we also are busy. It's hard to make time to get to know someone to the level we all really want to. Even my own spouse I'm still getting to know, and we spend the most time together. So when it comes time for gifting, we guess. We take hints here and there, and maybe our mind lights up as we are shopping or we spot a particular item that reminds us of the person. We think, "oh, they'll love that!" But really its just a guess.
The other side of giving is the joy we have, as the giver, when the recipient receives their gift well. You know what I'm talking about - the anticipation of giving a gift is almost too much sometimes! We just want to see the joy on their face when they open it up! Some years I'm actually more excited to see others open their gifts from me than I am to open my own!
But back to my story. After I realized my "stinkin' thinkin'" was not going to set me up well, I did a 180 and decided I was going to be grateful for any gift I received. I would smile, say thank you, and relish in my heart how grateful I really was to receive something I didn't deserve. Because really, what is Christmas about? GIVING. God gave us His only Son. Did I do anything for that gift? Nope. But it's just what I needed.
So what if, instead of making lists and rules and expecting specific things, we all were just grateful to have people in our lives who spend time thinking about us, spend money on a gift, and spend more time wrapping and arranging a time for us to open it (oftentimes including preparing food and hosting)? Stuff is nice, but it's really the people that surround us that will enliven our joy. At the end of the day, we all pack suitcases and travel and grocery shop and stay up late making cookies so that we can spend time with people, not so we can receive gifts.
I may never know for certain how much people have enjoyed my gifts over the years, but I do know that the real point is for the joy of giving to continue. I want to know the person is grateful for the time and effort I put into the gift, and whether they use it or hate it is up to them. The real gift we can give each other is the gift of gratefulness. And you don't even have to fake it! No matter what you are given, receive it well. Say thank you. Be grateful. And see the joy continue.
Thursday, August 17, 2017
To My 25-Year Old Self
Welcome to Austin!
What an exciting adventure awaits you! You may not be able to see it now, but this will be a season of leaving home, growing up, and healing your heart. There will be times when it will be really hard, like when you aren't sure if you'll have enough money to cover your bills, or when you get really sick and don't have health insurance yet. Don't worry. Don't panic. The Lord has you in His hands. He is never going to leave you! He has such great things for you - and you'll come out of it all more compassionate and whole. The pain will eventually stop.
I know you're going to resist what God is going to do, but you should say YES. He wants you to be healed and His heart towards you is so full! You're going to learn a lot about your identity, and a lot about lies you've believed about yourself. Just submit to the process. It's going to be hard, but you'll be surrounded by a supportive community of girlfriends/roommates and church. You're going to actually look and feel completely different when all is done!
Did I mention you're going to have FUN?! Austin is the best place to live, there is so much to do! When Megan invites you to play sand volleyball, say yes! You're going to meet the best people through that activity. (They're actually going to become your church family, so pay attention!) And take advantage of all the unique things Austin has to offer - swimming holes, parks, restaurants, free movie nights, etc. Explore it all and enjoy it!
And don't fret about when you're going to get married. The Lord knows your heart's desires. And he knows what needs to happen in your heart for it to grow and be healed before you receive someone else's love.
When you lose your job, again, don't fret. The Lord has you. He will take care of you, but more than that, He is working something so much deeper and more real than you know. Keep applying places - eventually you'll find a job at Starbucks that will teach you more about people and relationships than you ever could read from a book.
And then the breakthrough! Oh, how glorious and exciting it will be! Working in Cardiac Rehab again, engaged, and heart full. Enjoy that time of newness and possibility!
I don't know if I can say this enough, but don't fret about whether you'll get pregnant and bear your own child. Just give it over to the Lord, He knows and has thought about your children before the foundations of the world. He also can heal and bring life, in any circumstance.
Watch out for the first 8 weeks after your daughter is born. Those are a doozy. But it gets better! And you'll finally stand on your own two feet again.
Above all, maintain your community. They will catch you when you fall, and carry you when you can't walk anymore. God shows His love through your friends. Keep them! They may be a little cooky and different, but they're good.
God has a really great adventure for you. Hold on, it's going to be a wild ride.
Reba
What an exciting adventure awaits you! You may not be able to see it now, but this will be a season of leaving home, growing up, and healing your heart. There will be times when it will be really hard, like when you aren't sure if you'll have enough money to cover your bills, or when you get really sick and don't have health insurance yet. Don't worry. Don't panic. The Lord has you in His hands. He is never going to leave you! He has such great things for you - and you'll come out of it all more compassionate and whole. The pain will eventually stop.
I know you're going to resist what God is going to do, but you should say YES. He wants you to be healed and His heart towards you is so full! You're going to learn a lot about your identity, and a lot about lies you've believed about yourself. Just submit to the process. It's going to be hard, but you'll be surrounded by a supportive community of girlfriends/roommates and church. You're going to actually look and feel completely different when all is done!
Did I mention you're going to have FUN?! Austin is the best place to live, there is so much to do! When Megan invites you to play sand volleyball, say yes! You're going to meet the best people through that activity. (They're actually going to become your church family, so pay attention!) And take advantage of all the unique things Austin has to offer - swimming holes, parks, restaurants, free movie nights, etc. Explore it all and enjoy it!
And don't fret about when you're going to get married. The Lord knows your heart's desires. And he knows what needs to happen in your heart for it to grow and be healed before you receive someone else's love.
When you lose your job, again, don't fret. The Lord has you. He will take care of you, but more than that, He is working something so much deeper and more real than you know. Keep applying places - eventually you'll find a job at Starbucks that will teach you more about people and relationships than you ever could read from a book.
And then the breakthrough! Oh, how glorious and exciting it will be! Working in Cardiac Rehab again, engaged, and heart full. Enjoy that time of newness and possibility!
I don't know if I can say this enough, but don't fret about whether you'll get pregnant and bear your own child. Just give it over to the Lord, He knows and has thought about your children before the foundations of the world. He also can heal and bring life, in any circumstance.
Watch out for the first 8 weeks after your daughter is born. Those are a doozy. But it gets better! And you'll finally stand on your own two feet again.
Above all, maintain your community. They will catch you when you fall, and carry you when you can't walk anymore. God shows His love through your friends. Keep them! They may be a little cooky and different, but they're good.
God has a really great adventure for you. Hold on, it's going to be a wild ride.
Reba
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