He Always Wins

 "There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind."

- C.S. Lewis

There are things in our lives - experiences, people, ah-ha moments, etc. - that form who we are. There are also things that define us. I have realized recently that those two things can be separate: what has formed me doesn't have to define me. This is my story of one of those things.

In the fall of 2010, the autoimmune disease I had been diagnosed with in 2002 relapsed in the form of a stubborn sinus infection. The oral medication course (low-dose chemo & steroids) wasn't working, and by mid-January, it was getting worse. I woke up one morning and felt like someone had punched me in the face - specifically my left eye. The next month was a roller coaster of pain, pain medication, nausea, weekly infusions, weakness, and joy. Yes, joy. This was the second time the disease had relapsed; but I had an experience in it that forever changed the way I saw myself.

Before I describe it, let me say that as a believer in Jesus Christ, I believe in two different realms - the spiritual and the natural. There are things we say in the natural - like "I will never trust people in authority again" - that have huge impacts in the spiritual. Our words our powerful, and when we speak them, we can actually limit and form boundaries in our world. Whether or not you agree with that doesn't matter; my experience does. Two of my friends had come to the hospital to pray for me, and as they were praying, one of them sensed something in the spiritual realm. She asked, "Reba, do you love yourself?" I was crying so hard I could barely speak the word "no." This opened a floodgate of hurt and rejection I'd felt all my life from various angles, experiences, and people.

So I was physically healing from the relapse (which took another round of infusions, about 4 months later before it was completely in remission) as well as spiritually healing from an emotional autoimmune disease. See, when you get a cold, your body's natural reaction is to fight it; when you have an autoimmune disease, your body attacks itself. I was attacking myself with negative thoughts, feelings of self-hatred, and general disbelief that I was anyone worth getting to know.

I'm still working through some of that today, but in the intervening 2 years, I have gone through what I would call an "inner healing." It was a time of healing the wounds and hurts from my past so I didn't have to carry them anymore. Sometimes when we let the past define us, we are really just carrying around all the junk that was leftover instead of dealing with it. DEAL WITH IT! I'm so thankful that I believe in a God who helps me do that. He not only helps me, He wants me to deal with it, AND He promises that He will fight for me as the enemy tries to keep the burden on me.

He can redeem anything. He always wins.

So it's not a big deal anymore. It's something I can reflect on, tell people about, but I don't have to relive the emotions or feelings associated with it. It's gone and I'm free. Hearing the word "chemo" can bring about many reactions, several of which I've gotten over the past few weeks since posting on FB. But mine isn't a sad story. It's GOOD. It's hopeful. And it's real.

And there's nothing like leaving the past behind us because what's in front is so much better!