Giving Permission

{This is a follow-up to the post Who is this person next to me?! as I've continued to explore this topic as well as talk to several people who have had similar experiences}

It's so funny how you're in the oddest places, when all of a sudden you hear a word or see a picture or hear a lyric that you are acutely aware of. It's like time stops and all you can do is zone in on the stimulus that caught your senses. Well, I was in BodyPump class the other day, and the bicep track was Kelly Clarkson's Bad Side. I was intrigued by a few of the lines, so here's all of them for your reference:

Oh oh oh, there's a place that I know
It's not pretty there and few have ever gone
If I show it to you now
Will it make you run away?

Or will you stay
Even if it hurts
Even if I try to push you out
Will you return?
And remind me who I really am
Please remind me who I really am

Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?

Like a diamond
From black dust
It's hard to know
What can become
If you give up
So don't give up on me
Please remind me who I really am

Don't run away
Don't run away
Just tell me that you will stay
Promise me you will stay
Don't run away
Don't run away
Just promise me you will stay
Promise me you will stay

I don't know why I'm so surprised that pop music would have such deep lyrics, but I was encouraged. Someone else feels this way! And not just people I hang out with and know personally! Songs have a way of uniting us by establishing a common viewpoint, whether it be a struggle, question, or observation. I love it.

So I began thinking more about how a major question of marriage is, "Do you want to deal with my stuff? My junk? The stuff no one else knows? The weird stuff? Will you still love me?" That's the risk of promising to love someone else - you don't really know them until you love them deeper. You have no clue what you don't know, and that's why it's so scary sometimes!

However, I would submit that an even more important question could be, "Do I want to deal with my own stuff? My junk? Am I comfortable with not only someone else seeing it, but actually dealing with it?"

Lately I've had a few days where my junk is just THERE and I can't avoid it anymore. My husband is exceptionally patient and gracious, giving me space when I wake up grumpy and haven't had my time with Jesus yet. But beyond understanding how I respond is the challenge of actually giving myself the grace to be a mess. Why is that a challenge? Because even though we want to appear well, everyone's a mess! It's easy to just see the outside of who we are, but really there's SO much going on that we don't know, even to ourselves. It's hard, but recognizing my humanity and giving myself permission to be imperfect are probably the healthiest things I can do in my marriage, and in my life.

So give yourself permission to not be perfect today. And smile. It gets better.