Don't Be a Hero!

{I'm back. Sorry for the hiatus. After a whirlwind of getting a new job, getting engaged, and now married, I am finally entering the world of normalcy where I have time to think and actually type out my thoughts. Bring a cup of coffee, or in my case, chai, and enjoy.}

So yesterday didn't go quite as I had planned. I'm stuck in the middle of a weekend I had reserved for recovering from sinus surgery, finding myself with all kind of free time, which I am gladly enjoying with my husband. The surgery was cancelled because concern over adequate room in my throat to pass the ventilation tube. All in all, it's a good thing, as they discovered I'm having a recurrence of subglottal stenosis (narrowing of my trachea), which they can fix on the next surgery. I'm very thankful they were cautious and did the right thing; just a little frustrated there's another bump in the process to healing.

When you have a chronic illness, it takes perseverance. You have to develop your own way of accepting the ups and downs, aches, pains, inconveniences, what-if-someone-thinks-I'm-weird, doctors visits that don't go well, and the ones that do. However we choose to deal with the chronic illness mentally, there's still an aspect of accepting what is the "normal" standard for your health. You learn that a little ache here, a little shortness of breath there is maybe just how life is going to be. It's your new normal. So when I began experiencing more shortness of breath in late February, right before my wedding, I figured it was just the "normal" that went along with my frequent sinus infections. It just became a part of my life. I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. My sinuses are shot. I will be short of breath to some degree for the rest of my life.

So as I was laying in recovery yesterday, working to listen to the anesthesiologist - (by the way, why do they do that? Don't they know you can't see and/or remember anything?) - as he discussed why my throat was so closed up he couldn't get the tubes in it, he said something I'll never forget. Somehow between the technical descriptions and pictures, I heard the phrase "Don't be a hero."

Don't be a hero.

Why would he say that? At some point yesterday afternoon, crawling through my post-anesthesia brain, I remembered that the shortness of breath I experienced in February was probably subglottal stenosis. Today, I mused that maybe I should've mentioned that, pushed my ENT to look down my throat, maybe I should've fought more. Maybe I just did't believe I'm worth fighting for.

When you suffer much, you get used to it. It's sometimes a sad truth, and after this weekend, I never want to get used to suffering again. I may have been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, but I don't have to take it. I deserve to be healthy. I deserve to have a higher quality of life than being so short of breath it takes me a whole 5 seconds to fill my lungs in between sentences. There was a point, when I was first diagnosed at the age of 18, that I allowed my family, friends, and doctors to fight for me. That can't happen anymore. I need to fight for myself. I need to stop being a hero and living with the symptoms.

To quote a popular ad campaign, because I'm worth it. And so are you.

Is my value defined by whether I'm standing in front or behind the counter?

Life is so much more than how many letters are after your name in your email signature. In fact, I venture to propose that the more letters, the more insecure you may be about who you are (who decides which letters you put? really...). Sue me if I'm wrong, but this past year has taught me the value of hard-working, lovable, amazing, and crazy individuals who have minimal amounts of letters after their name.

I used to judge retail workers. Yes, it's true. I used to think they were just aimless, not sure what to do with their lives, lazy, and settling for what's in front of them. I have always been a career-minded, goal-oriented, climb-to-the-top girl. Since I was young, I set my sights on having a high academic degree, working in a professional environment, and somehow deriving my purpose and personal satisfaction from said career. Miraculously that was true for 2.5 years of my life.

Funny things happen when you get let go from your job.

Anyone who has been unemployed for ANY length of time (doesn't matter how long, it still sucks) has probably gained a deep sense of humility, perspective, and appreciation for their previous job and jobs in general. It's VERY true that when you don't have something, you realize how precious it was. And sometimes the only way to really see that is to take it away. Remove yourself from the situation. Enter a new one and begin to see where you fit in it all.

Losing my job, being unemployed, and getting a job at Starbucks (did I mention I don't like coffee?) were all surprises in the past year. What I didn't know was that I needed those surprises. Bill Johnson, pastor of Bethel Church in Redding, CA, has said most accurately, and I'm paraphrasing, "Sometimes God takes away what we have because we don't have the foundation to sustain an increase." In the midst of my unemployment, I received a promise that this year was going to be a year of breakthrough. It has, and here's what has broken through.

- I no longer have judgements in my heart about others that probably caused me to be less than appreciative of A HUGE chunk of humanity. I'm a nice person, but with these judgements out of the way, I feel like I can really really really love and appreciate everyone around me, no matter what side of the counter you're on.

- I have developed a new perspective on how to be really myself and how to interact with people different from me. I know that's vague, but I think everyone learns this when they're in any new situation. There's a certain maturity you develop when you have to look at someone, see the differences between yourself and them, and then chose to interact with them in a positive way, respecting their differences.

- I have gained an enormous respect and appreciation for being employed. As I end one job and begin a new one, I realize that it's not about the job title I have, but how I steward the gift and privilege it is to work and feel useful, to work for a living and to gain something from giving something. I also have gained a lot of integrity in this appreciation; making sure everything I do is with excellence and pride.

My job at Starbucks was not just a "chapter" or "season" in my life that I can easily turn the page on and move on. It will always be a part of my life and my story. I see it as a foundation of things to come and will look back on it as a time I really learned how to deal with people. A lot of shaping and sharpening happened beneath the green awnings, and I doubt I'll ever really end that season. Sure, I won't sling lattes and brew coffee, but the relationships and the lessons learned will always be there.

In a way, not much is changing. It's all a part of a great adventure God has me on. All I can say is I'm willing and ready to go wherever He has for me. I know it'll be amazing.

He Always Wins

 "There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind."

- C.S. Lewis

There are things in our lives - experiences, people, ah-ha moments, etc. - that form who we are. There are also things that define us. I have realized recently that those two things can be separate: what has formed me doesn't have to define me. This is my story of one of those things.

In the fall of 2010, the autoimmune disease I had been diagnosed with in 2002 relapsed in the form of a stubborn sinus infection. The oral medication course (low-dose chemo & steroids) wasn't working, and by mid-January, it was getting worse. I woke up one morning and felt like someone had punched me in the face - specifically my left eye. The next month was a roller coaster of pain, pain medication, nausea, weekly infusions, weakness, and joy. Yes, joy. This was the second time the disease had relapsed; but I had an experience in it that forever changed the way I saw myself.

Before I describe it, let me say that as a believer in Jesus Christ, I believe in two different realms - the spiritual and the natural. There are things we say in the natural - like "I will never trust people in authority again" - that have huge impacts in the spiritual. Our words our powerful, and when we speak them, we can actually limit and form boundaries in our world. Whether or not you agree with that doesn't matter; my experience does. Two of my friends had come to the hospital to pray for me, and as they were praying, one of them sensed something in the spiritual realm. She asked, "Reba, do you love yourself?" I was crying so hard I could barely speak the word "no." This opened a floodgate of hurt and rejection I'd felt all my life from various angles, experiences, and people.

So I was physically healing from the relapse (which took another round of infusions, about 4 months later before it was completely in remission) as well as spiritually healing from an emotional autoimmune disease. See, when you get a cold, your body's natural reaction is to fight it; when you have an autoimmune disease, your body attacks itself. I was attacking myself with negative thoughts, feelings of self-hatred, and general disbelief that I was anyone worth getting to know.

I'm still working through some of that today, but in the intervening 2 years, I have gone through what I would call an "inner healing." It was a time of healing the wounds and hurts from my past so I didn't have to carry them anymore. Sometimes when we let the past define us, we are really just carrying around all the junk that was leftover instead of dealing with it. DEAL WITH IT! I'm so thankful that I believe in a God who helps me do that. He not only helps me, He wants me to deal with it, AND He promises that He will fight for me as the enemy tries to keep the burden on me.

He can redeem anything. He always wins.

So it's not a big deal anymore. It's something I can reflect on, tell people about, but I don't have to relive the emotions or feelings associated with it. It's gone and I'm free. Hearing the word "chemo" can bring about many reactions, several of which I've gotten over the past few weeks since posting on FB. But mine isn't a sad story. It's GOOD. It's hopeful. And it's real.

And there's nothing like leaving the past behind us because what's in front is so much better!

Entitlement

I am a servant at heart; I love to help and assist people, I love to ease their lives by a small or large act of kindness that I do. In various employment situations as well as volunteer and everyday life, I've been able to use that gift and it's blessed me immensely, as well. Just seeing the joy on someone's face is worth any sacrifice I've made.

Now obviously, it's a lot easier if the person receiving the service or gift wasn't expecting it, is super gracious, and says thank you. I've had the opportunity to take care of a lot of sick roommates and friends, and they've all been great "patients." Some people don't know how to ask for help, so I usually sense their needs before they ask, and some people just appreciate anything you do. There are, of course, those who take advantage of your kindness and overstep the bounds of the service. There are those who expect a trenta iced decaf caramel macchiato and don't understand why their request is ridiculous and out of bounds.

But what are those bounds?

There are countless articles and books about how Americans are an entitled bunch of people. From labeling being entitled as the "American way" to providing a defense for the amount of public policy being pushed for more and more assistance programs, it's amazing. Many of us asked ourselves the question of entitlement when Obamacare was being pushed through the legislature a few years ago. What, exactly, do we deserve? What can we demand and what should we be thankful for?

Plain and simple, I deserve nothing. Yes, I work and receive a paycheck; that's something I deserve for an effort I give. But I certainly don't deserve the friends and community I have. I certainly don't deserve the family that loves me unconditionally. And I certainly deserve all that God has blessed me with in the spiritual realm.

What if we were all simply thankful for what we DO have? If we are continually thankful, we'll continually be humbled by all that we do have and not continually focused on what we don't. We'll realize living in America is actually an amazing privilege that we need to steward well. And it's not that hard to be thankful. You don't have to even believe in God; just be thankful! Make a list every day of what you're thankful for. Start with superficial stuff and then go deeper. I promise it will make a difference in your life. Promise.

The Gospel According to Les Mis

I think it's fair to say that I am IN LOVE with the story of Les Mis. I saw the movie several years ago, and then this spring when Broadway Across America came to Austin, I saw it here. It was a spiritual experience - I love musicals, and I'm pretty sure I cried - a lot.

Earlier this fall, a group of friends hosted a "Les Miserables Party" which included the viewing of the movie (with Liam Neeson). Everyone invited brought a French-inspired dish: we had beef bourguignon, French onion soup, bread, salad, and my contribution - creme brulee! So fun to make (burn!) AND eat.

I, of course, dressed up! Nothing like Goodwill to provide a perfect outfit!

Part of the reason the party occurred was to get excited about the upcoming release of the musical this Christmas. A few of the party members had read the book, and I was just starting. My progress was slow, as my copy was on my Kindle app on my iPhone, and my bedtime ritual was in competition with crossword puzzles. To date, I'm about 1/3 of the way through. My goal is to make it halfway (the 8 year break) before tomorrow night when I see it in theaters. We'll see if that happens!

As I've been reading, though, I've fallen in LOVE with the story even more. I researched some background on Victor Hugo, and it surprised me that although he grew up in the church, he considered himself a Freethinker most of his life. This story in particular is laced with spiritual themes, and it surprised me because Hugo wasn't subscribed to that line of thought at the time.

The Gospel is all about Christ coming and saving us that were lost. In the Les Mis story, little Cosette is stuck living with the Thenadiers since her mom couldn't take care of her, being their slave, while their own two daughters play and enjoy all the benefits of having parents. It is such a beautiful scene when Jean Valjean, the protagonist, comes to rescue her. He does so only because Fantine, her mother, requested that he go and get her on her deathbed. But when he arrives, he is overcome by the situation Cosette is in. When he makes a deal with the Thenadiers, he is firm, protective, and doesn't take no for an answer. It reminded me of Psalm 18, especially these verses:

¹⁶ He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
    he drew me out of deep waters.
¹⁷ He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
    from my foes, who were too strong for me.
¹⁸ They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
    but the Lord was my support.
¹⁹ He brought me out into a spacious place;
    he rescued me because he delighted in me.

The fierceness of Jean Valjean's love for Cosette only grows as the pair make their way out of Mountfermeil. They find shelter in a small town for a few months, and this quote is one of my favorites:

 "When [Jean Valjean] did not take Cosette with him, she remained with the old 
woman; but the child's delight was to go out with the good man. 
She preferred an hour with him to all her rapturous tete-a-tetes with Catherine [her doll]. 

He held her hand as they walked, and said sweet things to her."

-(Vol II, Book Fourth, Ch IV)

It is very similar to this oft-quoted verse from Hosea:

"Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness;

and speak tenderly to her."

-Hosea 2:14

Time after time, scene after scene, I am captured by the depiction of God's love that Victor Hugo so beautifully crafts. I wonder if he knew what he was writing. I wonder if he knows how his work is more than just a story of hope, it's a story of Jesus coming to earth to save us. A story of unfailing love; isn't that what Christmas is about? 

Merry Christmas! May His hope capture your heart today - in all the places you feel forsaken or lost - He will come!

(P.S. Ten years ago today my mother took me into the ER because of a 5-day high fever. One month later, when I was released, I began a new chapter in my life of recovery and restoration after receiving a diagnosis of an autoimmune disease. As I was reminiscing with my mom about that today, we both agreed God has done a mighty work in my heart and body - I don't really remember what it felt like! That is the hope that Jesus brings - even what we think is impossible can happen!)

Pruning and Increase

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener.

He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, 

while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful."

-John 15:1-2

These past few months have been, well, difficult. I've spent most of the time in la-la land, floating around, not sure where I'm supposed to be headed, but blindly walking and stumbling through life. There were several mornings that I wasn't sure why I even woke up; what was I going to do that day? I had no agenda and no purpose. It was hard.

Since the beginning of November, I've experienced an amazing amount of breakthrough, as I wrote about before. It was also during this time that I ran across this quote from Bill Johnson:

"...some things end only because we do not become the person He needs us to
be in order to give increase to us."

(from The Essential Guide to Healing by Bill Johnson & Randy Clark, pg. 44)

I'm not chiseling this in stone, and it's not Scripture, but my thought patterns lately have been to this tune: there were things in my life that God wanted to bless and give increase to, yet I would not have handled or stewarded it well at the time. God needed to prune, so to speak, my branches so that I could be even more fruitful.

How so?

I've experienced a lot of breakthrough financially in regards to attitudes about jobs, spending habits, and outlook of the blessing of an income. If these things were to have happened back before June, I can't say I would've been amazing as learning them or carried them well. I needed to really understand, experientially, what they meant. I've also experienced breakthrough in how I view my purpose to shine a light wherever I go. It's really hard to do when you work with all Christians! You need to find the darkness in order to shine a light. Once that environment was removed, and I was placed in an environment of nonbelievers, my light is allowed to shine. I'm also learning HOW to shine that light and practically, all the Starbucks recipes. :)

As I was searching for the above Bill Johnson quote, I came across these others that are good as well:

"Character enables us to receive glorious promises of destiny without taking the glory to ourselves." 

(from Dreaming with God, pg. 135)

"But if He cancels [a dream], its only because He's got a better one in mind."

(from The Supernatural Power of a Transformed Mind, pg 147)

So although I may not understand ALL of what has occurred this year, I'm extremely grateful for the pruning. It's hard, but it's SO worth it. Trust me!

Breakthrough

He came. He promised He would. It just took longer than I thought.

Breakthrough came. I got a job. I regained my normal, bubbly self because I'm around people all day long. I learned and am still learning a valuable lesson on how to manage money when you have none. I have deepened friendships in ways I never thought possible. I'm receiving amazing favor at previously mentioned job, while also interviewing for a position at another company that could be promising. I've been provided for, carried, and held up the entire time by the Creator of the Universe, who has always done so, even when I didn't feel it.

I feel like I'm reaping all the fruit of that last 4 months: praying, fasting, seeking and pleading the Lord for breakthrough. And BAM! it has come, all at once it seems!

So I'm very thankful. God is good!