On Being "Wife"

If you remember the movie Mona Lisa Smile, you'll remember that it was about Julia Roberts' character, who was in charge of several bright and ambitious students who were on track to change the world (in her eyes, at least). The only catch was that it was the 1950s, and as Topher Grace's character bluntly put it, his new wife having a lawyer job in the city will hardly give her time to get home to make dinner for him by 5. 

I remember watching the film with my mother on a rare mother-daughter date while I was attending college. We went to Jason's Deli afterwards and she proceeded to tell me what it was like to grow up and go to college in that same culture, where your destination after college was to get married. How articles like this one from Good Housekeeping defined the way that wives viewed their role. (In truth, the article is under much debate as to its authenticity, but nevertheless provides a glimpse of what was probably true). 

So here I am, an (almost!) 30-year old woman, recently married, in 2014. Society has changed a lot since the 1950s, and yet my first week as a wife turned out to be a flop, personally. Let me rewind. During our dating and engagement, my thoughts often went from "I can't wait to be a wife and do this for him..." to "after we're married, will he expect me to do that?!" As I should have, I was constantly seeing if our lifestyles were compatible; would I enjoy living with him? Can I see myself making a home with him? Do I want him to be the father of my children? and so on. It seemed like everything was tracking.

Somehow, once we got back from the honeymoon, I shifted into this "wife" mode, which included more of the 1950s version of the article than I could handle. It was a blend of all that I had heard and seen in my life, from my own mother, friends who were recently married, and perceived societal norms.  But it wasn't working. In short, I eventually had a breakdown where we resolved the tension of me wanting to be a good "wife" and my husband simply wanting me to be ME. Myself. Yes, be myself. That's all he wanted. He could care less if I ironed his shirts correctly or had the perfect meal ready when he got home. He just wanted me to be myself!

I'm still navigating my "wife" philosophy, but I can tell you it includes mostly my personality, wit, charm, and servant heart. In short, it's me! If I were to follow a list of rules, either from Good Housekeeping or from the society around me, it wouldn't be authentic. My husband and I have a relationship. We figure things out between us. What works for us may not work for others. And each couple has to figure out what's healthy for them. Anytime you have someone dictating rules of relationships, it becomes an irony of sorts. Isn't the point of a relationship to look at the other person and figure it out between you?

I love how our marriage is a relationship and not a formula. I love how I have the freedom to be who I am and be loved for who I am, not for what I do or how I perform. And I love that love flourishes in relationship, not in rules or guidelines. We each make our own way, so give grace to those around you, but most importantly, give it to yourself, too.