The Fog of Transition

Whenever I don't feel like myself, I ask what's wrong. Why am I acting this way? What lies am I believing that keep me from living the way I really want to? Do I just need a nap? Sometimes the fix is quick - I realize right away what isn't settling well in my soul, and I'm able to correct it. But sometimes, the answer eludes me. Sometimes, it takes weeks to unravel and confront.

{Btw, as I'm awkwardly typing this with a bandaid on the tip of my right middle finger, I kindly remind you to check the trash can for discarded razor blades before you reach your hand in to help empty it. It will help your typing tremendously. End PSA.}

Before the beginning of the year, we began looking around for houses. It's been a process mostly because we are learning what we want, need, and ultimately how our lifestyle is going to look. We put an offer in on a house, but to make a long story short, the owners have no clue what they want so we sat waiting for 6 weeks while they figured it out. We are still looking and wondering. We are expecting our first baby GIRL in July, and even thinking about all that entails can get exhausting. Will we be ready with all the stuff we need? Will we be ready to be parents? Will we move in to our new house before baby comes? Am I ready to be sleep deprived? And if that's not enough, Brent is exploring other job opportunities in Austin, which has been an ongoing process since last August.

I admit that I am in a big life transition. We haven't physically moved anywhere yet, and the events that will bring about transition are all in the future, which means I'm "pre-transition," I suppose. But my mind has been totally fixated on the upcoming changes, it's almost as if I'm there. When the beginning of the year started, I began preparing for those changes, because honestly, the job and house could happen at any moment. I began making decorating wish lists and imagining what it would be like for Brent to have a different work schedule - how would that change our relationship? My schedule?

I was so focused on the future I forgot to live in the present. I was so focused on what I was going to be that I forgot who I was today.

Several times since then, I've thought I wasn't being myself. At the end of the day, I would wonder, "what did you actually do today?" Life was a blur. I felt almost like I was depressed - didn't really have passion or care about much, yet unable to really understand why. I knew I had previously received a lot of joy from my job, my friends, and my life. But it just all seemed blah.

My journey out of this fog, as I call it, was not quick. It was gradual. It began at a women's retreat put on by my church. I was assisting in the planning and was in charge of free time, so I didn't look at it like a participant. Being there for a few minutes, however, made me realize God had much more for me than to just help out. After that weekend, I realized that I was in a transition (which, if you're in one and don't know it, identifying that fact is really important!), and that I had forgotten who I was. At that point, however, I couldn't go much further. My emotional capacity was spent just realizing that! Over the course of the next 2 weeks, I would listen to a worship song, a sermon, or catch a phrase a friend would say and I would realize something more. The big change happened when I listened to Paul Manwaring's sermon from Bethel from 12/14/14. He literally called me out of the fog I was in and told me to be myself. He asked such an important question - what is the "I AM" in you? What part of God has He placed in you that only you can fulfill?

Slowly I began writing down my passions. I looked back in my journal and realized PEOPLE. They were my passion. Seeing them change, seeing them freed! And the next night I got to verbalize this out loud to my small group, and somehow I was out of the fog. I began to live out who I was before, and it felt SO good! I began to see the present as all I could live in, and began giving the future up to God. How freeing! I could live for today and not worry about tomorrow!

I'm so thankful for the present. It's so beautiful because once a moment passes, it won't happen again. This encourages me to be intentional about how I live, what I say, and where my focus is. While I'm not perfect, I'm thankful I have a God who centers me and allows me to refocus with grace and no judgment. And guess what? I'm even more excited about the future now that I'm living in the present.