30 Thanks

{no particular order}

1. How completely different my life is now than when I was dreaming it up at age 10. The Lord has been so good to redeem and completely blow my meager expectations out of the water! I could never have imagined where I would be today.

2. My amazing, hilarious, strong, honest, and adventurous husband who loves me so well. I am a different and better person because of him. And he's pretty cute. :)

3. That I am not perfect.

4. My grandparents, their parents, their parents, and the generations before me. Each action my ancestors had has affected my life, and I am so grateful for each. I particularly am thankful for my grandparents, as they've taught me so much about respect, laughter, work ethic, and love for the Lord.

5. A job that is many many many answers to prayer and fasting; a job where I teach and facilitate exercise and recovery, interact with and love on people, and yet come home with stories of hope, healing, and interesting patients!

6. Sweet tea, over ice, with sliced lemon, in a mason jar. My end of work treat.

7. The opportunity to play guitar and lead worship for our small group. Half the time I don't have a clue what I'm doing, and I'm so thankful it's not about my skill. I get to be a part of some amazing stuff!

8. The beautiful combination of sun, water, and quiet. So healing and restorative.

9. The 3 summers I worked at Camp Eagle/Eagle Quest. I got a lot of my work ethic from the continual experiences of being handed a task and told to go do it. I learned resourcefulness, time management, and ultimately how to have fun doing it!

10. The 9 months I worked for Starbucks. There are things I learned and experienced that I could not have done so anywhere else.

11. Freedom.

12. Brownie batter. Yum!

13. Music. There are just some things that can only be expressed through singing, listening, and playing. So thankful for it's therapeutic effects, mood-boosting aspects, and ability to make me cry!

14. The knowledge that I am loved, and loved deeply. This truly gives me the greatest happiness I've known.

15. The feeling of clean sheets the first time you lay on them.

16. This may seem odd, but the first time you smell yourself on a backpacking trip. It reminds me that I'm in the middle of nowhere, that I don't have to shower, and that I'm doing something completely different than my usual life. And it makes me appreciate the shower at the end of it!

17. Dr. Tew, my rheumatologist, the first doctor I met upon moving to Austin. He not only is a big sweetheart, but is calm, gives me perspective, and understands my needs. He also is a doctor who fought to keep me as his patient when my insurance changed. I am so grateful for his care and direction over the past 4.5 years of craziness!

18. Sentimentality. I am so grateful for a way to enjoy memories, give respect, and value what really matters. I cry a lot and keep seemingly insignificant objects, but I love it!

19. My church. Who would've thought I would become one of the crazy and happy dancers during worship? They have provided such a beautiful atmosphere for my healing and maturing in the last 4 years.

20. Dry milk and saving butter wrappers to oil a pan. These practices I grew up with taught me a lot about the value of what I have access to now.

21. All I have, I have received as a gift, not based on my performance or failures.

22. SUMMER! I could do this all year. The Lord knew what He was doing when I was born in June.

23. The newness of marriage. It's almost as if I have one story: before I got married, and now I have another. The world is before us!

24. Stories. One of my favorite volunteer jobs was to record the life stories of elderly individuals in the hospital. There's something so tender and humbling about hearing someone's story, and I'm so grateful for how it helps me love and relate with them more, knowing where they're coming from. We all have a story!

25. This goes with summer, but SUN and WATER, typically together. I feel so alive after being outside in the sun, cooling off in the water, or just letting the water calm me by staring at its consistency and peace.

26. I have an amazing community of friends and family. It's so heart-wrenching to see patients who literally have no one to care for them. I'm so grateful I have such a beautiful mix of people who I can rely on and they can rely on me.

27. Through all of my health issues, I have always been able to exercise, in some form or fashion. Being active, working out really hard, pushing it, lifting too much, being sore, sweating... these all help me de-stress, improve my physical health, but most importantly remind me that I am ALIVE! I am so grateful I can breathe and do what I love, regardless of my trachea size. :)

28. The combination of bacon and avocados, so full of texture (and fat). Nothing better!

29. Pictures from NASA of the universe. It helps me see God's perspective as well as remember His hugeness! (follow them on instagram!)

30. Finally, I am thankful for these amazing 30 years the Lord has given me. I can't imagine what the next 30 will look like... but I'm excited to see what story He writes with my life!

Giving Permission

{This is a follow-up to the post Who is this person next to me?! as I've continued to explore this topic as well as talk to several people who have had similar experiences}

It's so funny how you're in the oddest places, when all of a sudden you hear a word or see a picture or hear a lyric that you are acutely aware of. It's like time stops and all you can do is zone in on the stimulus that caught your senses. Well, I was in BodyPump class the other day, and the bicep track was Kelly Clarkson's Bad Side. I was intrigued by a few of the lines, so here's all of them for your reference:

Oh oh oh, there's a place that I know
It's not pretty there and few have ever gone
If I show it to you now
Will it make you run away?

Or will you stay
Even if it hurts
Even if I try to push you out
Will you return?
And remind me who I really am
Please remind me who I really am

Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?

Like a diamond
From black dust
It's hard to know
What can become
If you give up
So don't give up on me
Please remind me who I really am

Don't run away
Don't run away
Just tell me that you will stay
Promise me you will stay
Don't run away
Don't run away
Just promise me you will stay
Promise me you will stay

I don't know why I'm so surprised that pop music would have such deep lyrics, but I was encouraged. Someone else feels this way! And not just people I hang out with and know personally! Songs have a way of uniting us by establishing a common viewpoint, whether it be a struggle, question, or observation. I love it.

So I began thinking more about how a major question of marriage is, "Do you want to deal with my stuff? My junk? The stuff no one else knows? The weird stuff? Will you still love me?" That's the risk of promising to love someone else - you don't really know them until you love them deeper. You have no clue what you don't know, and that's why it's so scary sometimes!

However, I would submit that an even more important question could be, "Do I want to deal with my own stuff? My junk? Am I comfortable with not only someone else seeing it, but actually dealing with it?"

Lately I've had a few days where my junk is just THERE and I can't avoid it anymore. My husband is exceptionally patient and gracious, giving me space when I wake up grumpy and haven't had my time with Jesus yet. But beyond understanding how I respond is the challenge of actually giving myself the grace to be a mess. Why is that a challenge? Because even though we want to appear well, everyone's a mess! It's easy to just see the outside of who we are, but really there's SO much going on that we don't know, even to ourselves. It's hard, but recognizing my humanity and giving myself permission to be imperfect are probably the healthiest things I can do in my marriage, and in my life.

So give yourself permission to not be perfect today. And smile. It gets better.