Waiting

The waiting room in a doctor's office might be the least relaxing place in existence, especially because of the irony of its nomenclature. I can recall several experiences in the waiting room that were less than enjoyable: pre-wisdom teeth surgery (valium, anyone?), subglottal stenosis saga, eye swelling saga, and GYN news waiting, just to name a few. The colors and pictures are designed to relax you, but the chairs you sit in barely let you do anything but sit up straight. The outdated magazines only serve to distract you slightly from your upcoming fears, and every time the nurse opens the door, everyone sucks wind, the air gets thin, and everyone waits to hear their name outloud. Sometimes you're so shocked you barely recognize your own name!

I feel like I'm in the waiting room right now. What appointment am I waiting for? What seems to be having me check the mail, my phone and e-mail every 30 minutes? What keeps me restless and bored at the same time?

A promise. A prophecy. A picture of the future.

Recently the Lord has been speaking to me in various ways about what is coming up next in my life. It all started with losing my job and renewing my belief that God would provide ALL I needed in the coming months (Phil. 4:19), that He would never leave or forsake me (Joshua 1:5), and that He would rescue me because He delighted in me (Psalm 18:19). Then, our church's friend Joe Ewen and his prayer for me a few weeks ago stirred it up again. While he was praying for me, he prophesied that this year was a year of BREAKTHROUGH and that God would be shaking off all of the disappointment I had about my future!

Then, this past week, as I was spending a particularly amazing time with Jesus, I saw the conclusion of a picture He had given me a year ago. The first part of the picture I saw while people would pray for me and my self-hatred, or anytime I felt that spiritual warfare was being done on my behalf: I saw myself sitting in a spotlight, with Jesus off to the side, fighting something with a sword that was consumed in the darkness. In June, I got the next part of the picture: Jesus stopped fighting, took my hand, and told me to get up (which was particularly confusing to me! Why'd he stop?!). This last week, I saw the conclusion of the picture: Jesus was punching through a brick wall, bloodying up his knuckles, creating a hole in which he led me through, into green pastures and sunshine.

So I know that something is coming. I just don't know when. He alone knows I need money, a job, would love to be married and have children, and love to be healed completely of my autoimmune disease. He knows. And I've been promised breakthrough.

So I'll wait.

"but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;

they shall mount up with wings like eagles;

they shall run and not be weary;

they shall walk and not faint."

-Isaiah 40:31 

Lies We Might Believe About God

I normally don't post stuff that's controversial or try to stimulate discussion, but lately I've been knee-deep in theology and not being an internal processor, I need to type it out. Thanks for listening :)

I'm teaching a class in my church next month titled Authority to Heal, after the book we'll be using by Ken Blue. I have my own journey with healing, which I hope to share soon here, which makes teaching the class even more exciting. I've been scouring books from every theological perspective on healing and trying to get a grasp on not only what I believe, but what is the TRUTH.

The major split I see on this subject is the root of the suffering that calls for healing to be needed. Some say that while God never does evil, He may permit it, owing to the truth that God is sovereign over all. Others say that God never does evil, never permits it, but it is inherently impossible for Him to give freedom and not allow that freedom to be used, so there is evil operating without his "divine sanction." Depending on where you fall with the above dichotomy will dictate your view on suffering and the possibility, much less the need to pray for healing. If you believe God permits our suffering, your prayers for healing may not be as strong and your hope that the person will be healed will be diminished. If however, you believe God sent his son Jesus to assault the kingdom of Satan and heal all suffering He encountered (which is true in the NT), your prayers and hopes for healing will look VERY different. Instead of praying, "if it be Your will, God..." you'll pray with authority because you believe it will happen with God's power.

For purposes of full disclosure, I side with the latter view. This is based on years of believing the other side and having those beliefs damage my relationship with God as well as my own body and spiritual health. After much study over the past year, I've also come to see the truth and scripture behind my belief.

It really comes down to what we believe about God. We may all believe God is merciful, but how far will we go with that belief? Is He only merciful to those who love Him? Do we believe God loves EVERYone? Do we believe He will really provide for us?

As I've been delving into this topic, I've had to deal with what I believe about God and renounce several lies I've been believing. It can only help your relationship with God to renounce those lies - they get in the way of God showing you new parts to His character and new ways of living. So what lies are you believing? Chances are you may not know. Ask Him to show you, and I can guarantee He won't be angry. He just wants to love you, if you'll let Him.

You Can't Take the Country Out of the Girl

My latest trip up to Kansas was a surprise. I originally didn't think I'd make it to the actual 65th Anniversary celebration, so I planned an earlier trip in July. Due to the benvolence of my father, I was able to return again for the actual event! I was so blessed by time with family and especially in the environment of Oberlin, KS.

In the depths of my heart, I am a country girl. I was raised exclusively in a city, though not a large one (pop. 75,000ish), and loved being close to neighbor friends, within walking distance of all my schools, and close enough to the store to run and get a few things if I needed to. However, being in the country does something to me; something happens to my soul and my center of who I am when I'm in a wide open space, staring at a cloudless sky or watching a sunset. I'm not sure if it's spiritual, but I feel so incredibly comfortable in the country and around rural environments. I get it. It makes sense to me.

I attended the demolition derby at my grandparent's county fair while I was there, and it was so much fun! I loved cheering and reacting as old junky cars rammed into each other and caught on fire. I loved walking around with my younger brother, playing games, trying our hand at Sink-o, and eating snocones. And I absolutely loved that we ran into so many relatives there! We hadn't even gotten out of the parking lot before we saw my great aunt, my dad's cousin and their family. Only in a small town like this!

Part of me wishes I would've married a farmer and been a housewife, like so many of my ancestors. I look at my grandfather and have so much respect for his hard work, wise decisions, and faith in God. I love my grandmother and had so much fun with her, baking and serving and just laughing at each other when I was with them for a week in July. Part of me loves that life and the simplicity, the ease, and the laid-back nature of country living.

But God has called me to something different, but not necessarily better or worse. I'm educated, aware of the world and it's benefits and problems, and have a unique anointing and gifting from Him. I have a purpose that, as far as I know, includes a lot of people and loving them as Christ would. But I hope that I can always have a place to connect to the country - either live there, have friends who do, or have a place I can visit. My soul and heart is so refreshed and renewed when I'm out in the open, and I hope that never changes. It's part of who I am, and I love it!