He Always Wins

 "There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind."

- C.S. Lewis

There are things in our lives - experiences, people, ah-ha moments, etc. - that form who we are. There are also things that define us. I have realized recently that those two things can be separate: what has formed me doesn't have to define me. This is my story of one of those things.

In the fall of 2010, the autoimmune disease I had been diagnosed with in 2002 relapsed in the form of a stubborn sinus infection. The oral medication course (low-dose chemo & steroids) wasn't working, and by mid-January, it was getting worse. I woke up one morning and felt like someone had punched me in the face - specifically my left eye. The next month was a roller coaster of pain, pain medication, nausea, weekly infusions, weakness, and joy. Yes, joy. This was the second time the disease had relapsed; but I had an experience in it that forever changed the way I saw myself.

Before I describe it, let me say that as a believer in Jesus Christ, I believe in two different realms - the spiritual and the natural. There are things we say in the natural - like "I will never trust people in authority again" - that have huge impacts in the spiritual. Our words our powerful, and when we speak them, we can actually limit and form boundaries in our world. Whether or not you agree with that doesn't matter; my experience does. Two of my friends had come to the hospital to pray for me, and as they were praying, one of them sensed something in the spiritual realm. She asked, "Reba, do you love yourself?" I was crying so hard I could barely speak the word "no." This opened a floodgate of hurt and rejection I'd felt all my life from various angles, experiences, and people.

So I was physically healing from the relapse (which took another round of infusions, about 4 months later before it was completely in remission) as well as spiritually healing from an emotional autoimmune disease. See, when you get a cold, your body's natural reaction is to fight it; when you have an autoimmune disease, your body attacks itself. I was attacking myself with negative thoughts, feelings of self-hatred, and general disbelief that I was anyone worth getting to know.

I'm still working through some of that today, but in the intervening 2 years, I have gone through what I would call an "inner healing." It was a time of healing the wounds and hurts from my past so I didn't have to carry them anymore. Sometimes when we let the past define us, we are really just carrying around all the junk that was leftover instead of dealing with it. DEAL WITH IT! I'm so thankful that I believe in a God who helps me do that. He not only helps me, He wants me to deal with it, AND He promises that He will fight for me as the enemy tries to keep the burden on me.

He can redeem anything. He always wins.

So it's not a big deal anymore. It's something I can reflect on, tell people about, but I don't have to relive the emotions or feelings associated with it. It's gone and I'm free. Hearing the word "chemo" can bring about many reactions, several of which I've gotten over the past few weeks since posting on FB. But mine isn't a sad story. It's GOOD. It's hopeful. And it's real.

And there's nothing like leaving the past behind us because what's in front is so much better!

Entitlement

I am a servant at heart; I love to help and assist people, I love to ease their lives by a small or large act of kindness that I do. In various employment situations as well as volunteer and everyday life, I've been able to use that gift and it's blessed me immensely, as well. Just seeing the joy on someone's face is worth any sacrifice I've made.

Now obviously, it's a lot easier if the person receiving the service or gift wasn't expecting it, is super gracious, and says thank you. I've had the opportunity to take care of a lot of sick roommates and friends, and they've all been great "patients." Some people don't know how to ask for help, so I usually sense their needs before they ask, and some people just appreciate anything you do. There are, of course, those who take advantage of your kindness and overstep the bounds of the service. There are those who expect a trenta iced decaf caramel macchiato and don't understand why their request is ridiculous and out of bounds.

But what are those bounds?

There are countless articles and books about how Americans are an entitled bunch of people. From labeling being entitled as the "American way" to providing a defense for the amount of public policy being pushed for more and more assistance programs, it's amazing. Many of us asked ourselves the question of entitlement when Obamacare was being pushed through the legislature a few years ago. What, exactly, do we deserve? What can we demand and what should we be thankful for?

Plain and simple, I deserve nothing. Yes, I work and receive a paycheck; that's something I deserve for an effort I give. But I certainly don't deserve the friends and community I have. I certainly don't deserve the family that loves me unconditionally. And I certainly deserve all that God has blessed me with in the spiritual realm.

What if we were all simply thankful for what we DO have? If we are continually thankful, we'll continually be humbled by all that we do have and not continually focused on what we don't. We'll realize living in America is actually an amazing privilege that we need to steward well. And it's not that hard to be thankful. You don't have to even believe in God; just be thankful! Make a list every day of what you're thankful for. Start with superficial stuff and then go deeper. I promise it will make a difference in your life. Promise.