So far for me, motherhood AND life have been a lot of sitting in the mud. It's not clean, pretty, or organized. It's not polished, professional, or smooth. It's MESSY.
We are all a mess. ALL OF US. Some of us cover it up more than others, but don't be fooled by the pretty Instagram post of all the children smiling, the toys put away, and the clean, white walls and cabinets in someone else's kitchen. Pinterest is not a standard that can EVER be achieved without sacrificing some other piece of the puzzle.
Every Sunday evening, our group of friends take turns hosting dinner for the rest of us. The host prepares the food, and cleans up afterwards. There are approximately 17 adults and 16 kids if we all show up! Just imagine pure chaos. That's what it's like. Toys and food crumbs everywhere, chairs and food plates strewn about. There isn't a concerted effort to put away any toys afterwards, and while it's sometimes frustrating, it's taught me a lot of grace for hosting. I think there is a time for helping to clean up a mess you made, but with so many kids and specific places to put the toys, I think this is not it. (Can you imagine me standing over 16 kids directing them? I have trouble doing that with just one and she's my child!) So, hosting DR is a big deal, but even less so if you just let it go. It's going to be a mess, but nothing that an hour or so of organizing, cleaning, and taking out the trash will fix. And it's WORTH IT. The whole point is community and allowing a touch point for the adults and play time for the children. It started when the founding members were in college, and mostly going to the same church. Now that we've grown and moved around, this touchpoint is sometimes the only real conversation we have all week. It doesn't replace deep connection and prayer, but it does provide a space to be seen and heard, and sometimes, called out. I've received (and sent) texts afterwards like "are you ok? you seemed kind of off" multiple times.
Dinner Rotation has given me the gift of letting go. If my kids want to do an activity that will possibly make a mess, I hesitate. Is the joy of the activity going to be shadowed by the amount of clean up? And that's a wrestling point for me. I love to be clean and organized. But over the years of hosting people in my house, both large and small in numbers, have taught me to just let it go. It will be worth it. Making a mess and having fun are the stuff memories are made of, aren't they?
Nothing allows me to realize the mud of motherhood and life are actually not that bad than having people over. I'm slowly learning that hosting and opening my home are the best ways to extend grace and love - to others for sure, but also to myself.
Monday, July 1, 2019
Friday, February 22, 2019
I Am a Better Mom Because I Work
Most days I am 100% confident of my, our, decision to "work outside the home." Obviously the culture around working mothers has changed drastically in the last 70 years, so even knowing how to phrase this statement is difficult - how do you communicate that you are fully on board with the "new" shift in culture, while also respecting the traditional view and values? As I've navigated these mothering waters for almost 4 years, I've learned there's not a consensus on any of the terminology. We try, we receive reactions (which are constructed by our own fears and assumptions), and we change. And eventually a terminology settles. But nevertheless, we have found something that works wonderfully for our family. I spent a lot, ahem, of money on my degrees with full intention of using them and my giftings to help others. It never did really occur to me that not working was a good fit. I always saw myself as a working mom.
I've been listening to a podcast called The Longest Shortest Time for several years, and they did a 4-part series on working mothers back in 2017. It was a huge eye-opener for me at the time, because I didn't realize how deeply the struggle goes in trying to work full-time and also be a mother, both for myself and others. It also gave me some validation in frustrations that I was feeling in trying to "balance it all" (don't worry; it's not real - no one is balancing it all). To hear other moms put words to it was so liberating and validating. While listening to the 4 podcast episodes, I was indignant and angry, other times super thankful to have the environment and support that I do. The series is excellent - even if you aren't a working mom - and covers such a wide variety of situations and most importantly, gives steps going forward.
Around the same time that the series came out, my own mother announced that she was retiring after almost 40 years working for the public library in the city I grew up in. As a gesture of appreciation, myself and my two brothers bought her a 1950's librarian textbook, which ironically needed some archivist love on the book jacket (which I'm sure she took care of). We each wrote her a letter for the occasion, and tucked it inside the book.
As I was wrapping the book, my throat got tight, my chest warm, and my eyes began to moisten. I realized the small gift we were giving to my mom was a token of the huge gift she had given me. Growing up in the library, I spent many an after-school and evening perusing the books and magazines, only because I had to be there and had nothing else to do. Mom needed to cover a shift for one of her employees? C'mon kids, lets go hangout at the library! There were so many things I took for granted at the time: access to the world's information (before the internet), how to approach and be around people who didn't look or act like me from a very early age, and most of all how to be bored and find wonder amongst the rows and rows of adventure. I also learned a love of reading, which has carried me through until today, where I constantly have more books on my nightstand than I could ever read!
Most of all, I realized that because she worked, I am who I am today. She gave us an incredible gift of showing us how to love and serve others, while also loving and serving her family. I got to see the mess that it was - she never did all of those perfectly - none of us do - but that was the beauty of it: seeing the struggle and seeing the resolution. My mom expressed several times that she wished she could spend more time with us at home, and that carried with me into adulthood, wondering if I would feel the same with my own children. But as a working mom now, I realize that while I may not know what Avery or Rhett will remember from their childhoods in relation to me working, they're going to be okay. I'm not abandoning them to let someone else raise them, I'm not a bad mother for wanting space and time to myself, and if anything, I have realized I am a much BETTER mother when I do work. If my goal is to be the best mom possible, I have to keep that in mind. My hope is that Avery and Rhett learn exactly what I did: it's ok to struggle. It's ok to make mistakes, to choose other things, and to take time for yourself. Of course, they could learn that with me taking care of them full time at home, but this way fits.
I am so thankful for a job that I love (and am decently good at!), coworkers who are like family, and a beautiful family to come home to. I count being a wife and mother two of my highest callings in life, and I'm glad Avery and Rhett will grow up with that piece of their story. And when I retire, I would love to hear what they thought of it! How did that shape them? How are they who they are because of the decision we made? Ah, the adventure of parenting!
I've been listening to a podcast called The Longest Shortest Time for several years, and they did a 4-part series on working mothers back in 2017. It was a huge eye-opener for me at the time, because I didn't realize how deeply the struggle goes in trying to work full-time and also be a mother, both for myself and others. It also gave me some validation in frustrations that I was feeling in trying to "balance it all" (don't worry; it's not real - no one is balancing it all). To hear other moms put words to it was so liberating and validating. While listening to the 4 podcast episodes, I was indignant and angry, other times super thankful to have the environment and support that I do. The series is excellent - even if you aren't a working mom - and covers such a wide variety of situations and most importantly, gives steps going forward.
Around the same time that the series came out, my own mother announced that she was retiring after almost 40 years working for the public library in the city I grew up in. As a gesture of appreciation, myself and my two brothers bought her a 1950's librarian textbook, which ironically needed some archivist love on the book jacket (which I'm sure she took care of). We each wrote her a letter for the occasion, and tucked it inside the book.
As I was wrapping the book, my throat got tight, my chest warm, and my eyes began to moisten. I realized the small gift we were giving to my mom was a token of the huge gift she had given me. Growing up in the library, I spent many an after-school and evening perusing the books and magazines, only because I had to be there and had nothing else to do. Mom needed to cover a shift for one of her employees? C'mon kids, lets go hangout at the library! There were so many things I took for granted at the time: access to the world's information (before the internet), how to approach and be around people who didn't look or act like me from a very early age, and most of all how to be bored and find wonder amongst the rows and rows of adventure. I also learned a love of reading, which has carried me through until today, where I constantly have more books on my nightstand than I could ever read!
Most of all, I realized that because she worked, I am who I am today. She gave us an incredible gift of showing us how to love and serve others, while also loving and serving her family. I got to see the mess that it was - she never did all of those perfectly - none of us do - but that was the beauty of it: seeing the struggle and seeing the resolution. My mom expressed several times that she wished she could spend more time with us at home, and that carried with me into adulthood, wondering if I would feel the same with my own children. But as a working mom now, I realize that while I may not know what Avery or Rhett will remember from their childhoods in relation to me working, they're going to be okay. I'm not abandoning them to let someone else raise them, I'm not a bad mother for wanting space and time to myself, and if anything, I have realized I am a much BETTER mother when I do work. If my goal is to be the best mom possible, I have to keep that in mind. My hope is that Avery and Rhett learn exactly what I did: it's ok to struggle. It's ok to make mistakes, to choose other things, and to take time for yourself. Of course, they could learn that with me taking care of them full time at home, but this way fits.
I am so thankful for a job that I love (and am decently good at!), coworkers who are like family, and a beautiful family to come home to. I count being a wife and mother two of my highest callings in life, and I'm glad Avery and Rhett will grow up with that piece of their story. And when I retire, I would love to hear what they thought of it! How did that shape them? How are they who they are because of the decision we made? Ah, the adventure of parenting!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)