The Fog of Transition

Whenever I don't feel like myself, I ask what's wrong. Why am I acting this way? What lies am I believing that keep me from living the way I really want to? Do I just need a nap? Sometimes the fix is quick - I realize right away what isn't settling well in my soul, and I'm able to correct it. But sometimes, the answer eludes me. Sometimes, it takes weeks to unravel and confront.

{Btw, as I'm awkwardly typing this with a bandaid on the tip of my right middle finger, I kindly remind you to check the trash can for discarded razor blades before you reach your hand in to help empty it. It will help your typing tremendously. End PSA.}

Before the beginning of the year, we began looking around for houses. It's been a process mostly because we are learning what we want, need, and ultimately how our lifestyle is going to look. We put an offer in on a house, but to make a long story short, the owners have no clue what they want so we sat waiting for 6 weeks while they figured it out. We are still looking and wondering. We are expecting our first baby GIRL in July, and even thinking about all that entails can get exhausting. Will we be ready with all the stuff we need? Will we be ready to be parents? Will we move in to our new house before baby comes? Am I ready to be sleep deprived? And if that's not enough, Brent is exploring other job opportunities in Austin, which has been an ongoing process since last August.

I admit that I am in a big life transition. We haven't physically moved anywhere yet, and the events that will bring about transition are all in the future, which means I'm "pre-transition," I suppose. But my mind has been totally fixated on the upcoming changes, it's almost as if I'm there. When the beginning of the year started, I began preparing for those changes, because honestly, the job and house could happen at any moment. I began making decorating wish lists and imagining what it would be like for Brent to have a different work schedule - how would that change our relationship? My schedule?

I was so focused on the future I forgot to live in the present. I was so focused on what I was going to be that I forgot who I was today.

Several times since then, I've thought I wasn't being myself. At the end of the day, I would wonder, "what did you actually do today?" Life was a blur. I felt almost like I was depressed - didn't really have passion or care about much, yet unable to really understand why. I knew I had previously received a lot of joy from my job, my friends, and my life. But it just all seemed blah.

My journey out of this fog, as I call it, was not quick. It was gradual. It began at a women's retreat put on by my church. I was assisting in the planning and was in charge of free time, so I didn't look at it like a participant. Being there for a few minutes, however, made me realize God had much more for me than to just help out. After that weekend, I realized that I was in a transition (which, if you're in one and don't know it, identifying that fact is really important!), and that I had forgotten who I was. At that point, however, I couldn't go much further. My emotional capacity was spent just realizing that! Over the course of the next 2 weeks, I would listen to a worship song, a sermon, or catch a phrase a friend would say and I would realize something more. The big change happened when I listened to Paul Manwaring's sermon from Bethel from 12/14/14. He literally called me out of the fog I was in and told me to be myself. He asked such an important question - what is the "I AM" in you? What part of God has He placed in you that only you can fulfill?

Slowly I began writing down my passions. I looked back in my journal and realized PEOPLE. They were my passion. Seeing them change, seeing them freed! And the next night I got to verbalize this out loud to my small group, and somehow I was out of the fog. I began to live out who I was before, and it felt SO good! I began to see the present as all I could live in, and began giving the future up to God. How freeing! I could live for today and not worry about tomorrow!

I'm so thankful for the present. It's so beautiful because once a moment passes, it won't happen again. This encourages me to be intentional about how I live, what I say, and where my focus is. While I'm not perfect, I'm thankful I have a God who centers me and allows me to refocus with grace and no judgment. And guess what? I'm even more excited about the future now that I'm living in the present.

Pregnancy.

Currently, I feel somewhat pregnant. I have bouts of exhaustion and have to pee a lot (but don't pee a lot when I do, what's up with that?!), but otherwise don't feel that pregnant. I just feel fat. Like as in, I ate too much over the holidays and have yet to gain my old body back. My pants don't fit, I can't stretch as far as I could before in yoga class, and lying on my tummy is sometimes uncomfortable. But all those things could be true for someone who was just larger in general.

However, despite my semi-pregnant feelings, I do have other symptoms and signs there really is a human being growing inside of me. I'm not that hung up on "symptoms," mostly because having a chronic illness numbs you to the novelty of something feeling wrong or not good in your body. But these are different and new and somehow pointing me towards the fact that yes, I am pregnant.

I should probably just buy stock in Zantac. I eat that stuff like candy. So much for my lower esophageal sphincter. (For those who are unsure what I'm referring to, it's HEARTBURN). Ouch.

I bought a bunch of maternity clothes recently, and as much fun as it was to buy new clothes and have new options, I also really miss my old clothes. I mean, I spent the past 20+ years putting together my wardrobe! I really like the set I had! 

My sinuses are swollen (pregnancy side effect) so sometimes the nose breathing during the entirety of my yoga class is not my fave, or running up the stairs, or carrying large objects. Unfortunately, I don't see this improving much anytime soon. Maybe I can ask to breathe through my mouth?

But I AM pregnant. When I find myself leaning towards complaining (which actually I do little of), I remind myself this is a gift. A miracle. This wasn't supposed to happen, but God made sure it did.

And as I write notes to my future baby in their little journal, I am filled with wonder that God is creating an entirely unique human being, allowing me to experience its growth, and entrusting me with the baby's care. I am so thankful we have 9ish months to prepare for baby; I'm going to need all that time to really process and take hold of what is to come.

So there's my current happenings. In two weeks, we get to find out the gender. I have a feeling it will become all the more real after that appointment! :)