Every since grad school, I have known that time is a cruel metabolism killer. The older you get, the slower your metabolism and the harder it is to lose weight and change your body. The older you get, the more your body has trouble doing normal things, too, so the fact that we all get fat and fall apart as we get older is not new (being very general here). But learning this as a young, relatively in shape person is a lot different than actually experiencing it as an adult where it starts to become reality. Sure, I counsel people everyday on how to eat well, exercise, reach their weight loss goals, but that's always been their problem. I've never had to deal with it myself and am realizing now the amount of compassion needed to really tackle the underlying issues of body image and weight.
Pregnancy was great because I could be "fat" without being self-conscious that I should look some other way. Once Avery was born, I quickly, and I mean really quickly, lost the baby weight. I did some form of nursing for first 6 weeks, and that combined with not eating or sleeping much helped to keep my weight steady. I fit into old stuff! People said how great I looked! I felt odd about their compliments because (1) I didn't do anything except have a baby, and (2) I knew that some women wish they looked that great post-partum but how do you say thanks with saying I don't know how I did it? It's just genes maybe?
Once I stopped nursing, however, I experienced a flare-up of the autoimmune disease I was diagnosed with at age 18. My doctors had told me this might happen, but it still sucks. My left eye/sinus started hurting, we tried some medications, they didn't work, we decided I needed to do IV infusions, but in the meantime (read = 1 month, the approval process takes forEVER because it's super expensive), I wasn't getting any better. My nurse then suggested what I knew was coming but was hoping to avoid: prednisone.
There are few things in life I can honestly say I have a love/hate relationship with, and prednisone is one of those.
Prednisone is a steroid. Not pump-your-muscles steroid, but another kind made in your adrenal glands. It makes me fat. It causes me to gain water weight. My face gets big and my shoulders and upper body gain weight. It increases your appetite so all you want to eat is CARBS CARBS CARBS and all the things all the time. It also gives you crazy energy, which turns out is a really helpful thing when you have a 4 month old who's congested and needs a paci re-insertion every 2-3 hours. And I did start to feel better. But I hated how I looked. In fact, I still kind of do.
One day I was putting on my scrubs for work, the same ones I work before busting out the maternity scrubs, and I just felt so uncomfortable. The pants were too tight in places they hadn't been before, and I constantly was adjusting them during the day. I didn't want to go out and buy more because that would be admitting I was fat. I work in a fitness facility and I can't be fat telling other people not to be. So, after much debating, I decided I needed to start working out again, and the time that would occur would be 4:00 am each morning.
Working out is one of my things. I love it. It's therapeutic for me. It helps me focus, destress, and re-orient my day. It also makes me feel REALLY GOOD which is what I needed. And thanks to the prednisone, I had the energy to go to bed at 9 pm, wake up at 4, exercise, and make it to work on time by 6:45, all while taking care of my baby somewhere in there.
I'm not perfect. I don't even know how long it will take to lose this extra weight with working out, weaning off the prednisone by middle of December, and trying to eat healthier. When I came across this line in the Scary Mommy article, I copied and pasted it into my reminders app.
It’s a gift not to give a damn how my body and face compares to others.
I need to remember this. I need to know that yes, the goal is to be a healthy weight and feel good, but ultimately I need freedom from comparison and looking at other moms. I need freedom from other PEOPLE looking at me and feeling the need to comment whether I look great or keep to themselves that that's what a new mom's body must look like after having a baby. I need the freedom to not worry if others are drawing conclusions about my character because of what my postpartum body looks like. I need the freedom to BE MYSELF, wear the clothes I want to wear, and know that my body is pretty dang amazing.
I had a baby, and I don't care what you think my body should or does look like. It's mine, it did some amazing things, and I hope you find the freedom to love yourself the way I'm learning to. If each of us women starts to love ourselves more and not judge other moms silently, we all just might be a little more kind and happy and understanding and not waste time comparing. We are mothers - we don't have time for that!
