The Noise

A Week Without Facebook and Instagram, Part One

Due to some fears of mine, I always have to know what's going on around me, specifically so I'm not surprised when something blows up. It soothes my fears to gather as much information as possible - not just what's actually happening, but details like facial expressions, items on someone's desk, words on a piece of paper. Nowadays, I call it being perceptive or really discerning. In several ways, God has redeemed my behaviors and I am able to walk into a room and feel the emotions, collectively and sometimes individually, that are in the room. It's a great gift, and I'm blessed to be able to respond to others' needs by having that extra sense.

This paranoia of information, if you will, of course is subconscious. I would carry my phone with me at work at all times in my back pocket, checking FB and IG in between patients, when I'm walking from one side of the hospital to the other. I would check it the first thing when I woke up (to open my eyes and get my brain moving), and check it before I went to bed (to make sure I didn't miss anything big). I had to know the latest! Because there's nothing more embarrassing than not knowing what's going on, right? In this world of information at our fingertips, it's almost shameful to not be in the know. {sarcasm there}

CNN did a recent article on teenagers and FOMO (fear of missing out) - how teenagers have anxiety about seeing on social media their friends hanging out without them, or finding out they missed something someone posted. It piqued my interest. Then one day, my husband asked me bluntly "why do you look at your phone so often?" and I hadn't realized I did. One day at work I noticed how many people were on their phones with other people (without phones) standing nearby. Slowly, through several observations and pricks of my mind, I realized I used my phone for distraction, and inadvertantly, ignored others in doing so.

But if I stopped scrolling FB every hour, how would I know what's going on? How, then, could I prepare myself for what was to come? I enjoyed the "noise," so to speak, the extra information that made me feel safe and knowledgable in the world. I wasn't ready to make any sudden moves. I liked the noise too much.

But in church one Sunday, I felt the HS was asking me to respond to that problem. In an odd movement that I don't quite remember doing, I deleted the FB and IG apps on my phone. It was scary. I was letting go of control over my environment, and placing it into the Father's hands. I knew He was safe and good, but I wasn't trusting Him with my world.

The next day, I was listening to a Bethel sermon by Danny Silk on expectancy and it wrecked me. He basically delivered it straight to my heart:

When you put God in a box, you will always be disappointed. Your expectations will never be met. But if you let God give you expectancy for His goodness, you will always be satisfied. Expectations are rooted in fear, and expectancy is rooted in His promises. 

I was slowly giving back to God the control He needs to work perfectly in my life. Without giving Him full control, I was limiting my experience with him. It was a hard week in learning to do that - but also so relaxing. I didn't realize how much I was trying to control my life instead of letting it happen.

In the moments where I began thinking about the next day, or wondering what my friends were up to on social media, I recalled the Message's version of Matthew 6:34:

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

So, all in all, I've learned the WHAT: I use my phone for distraction sometimes, I tend to ignore others when I'm on my phone, and I need to release control of my world and embrace each day as it's own. It's been AMAZING to be able to be present with those around me. So much life is happening and I was missing out! I can't believe I functioned for so long without engaging my world - crazy.

I would encourage you to just take a step back from your phone and social media consumption: when do you grab your phone? What is your intent in scrolling through FB, posting something, or liking a friend's post? Just think. Don't feel ashamed or guilty - just observe. There is such power in knowing what we're doing and how we affect others. If you feel completely at peace about your engagement with social media and your phone, great! If not, do something! :)

Next up on Part II: What I Learned from Not Knowing Anything (and what I'm going to do about it)

Coming up for air

Recently life has been hard. We're in the midst of it. In the thick of it. We know there's a way out; we know it will end. We just don't know how. {I apologize for the vague-ness of this post - will post details when it's appropriate to do so.}

This past week was especially hard - trying to make it through the situation we're in while also waiting for news on a possible new situation that could "rescue" us. We were supposed to find out on Friday what would happen. I was looking forward to Friday all last week. Maybe they'll call early, today. Then we can know now! The week dragged on; we heard nothing. Friday came. I woke up, weary and done with the week, hanging for dear life on the hope that by the end of the day, we would know SOMETHING. All day Friday, I was checking my phone every 10 minutes. It was really hard to focus on the tasks at hand - I could focus for 15-20 minutes, but then would be sucked back into the reality of anxiety. Waiting. Fear. What's going to happen?

Even when I went to work out, ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT was finding out the news. The news. Just tell me something. Yes or no. What's it going to be. Six o'clock rolls around, and Brent finally calls the guy and we get SOME news. We need to wait a little longer. Hang out in limbo. Almost there.

Very anticlimactic.

I just melted onto the couch. All the stress of having a day-long anxiety attack was too much. I didn't know what to do. Despite my laid-back attitude, I don't deal with stress well. It kind of overtakes me and I have no usual way to get out. So we talked. And prayed. And cried. And remembered that God is good, that He has a plan, that He knew this would happen. And really, there's nothing we can do for the weekend. We can either choose to be miserable or choose to enjoy the freedom of knowing God is in control. We chose the latter.

We ate amazing sushi and watched Antiques Road Show. I had brunch with basically my bridesmaids and house party. We had a double-date wine picnic. We adventured to Fiesta for our grocery shopping. We hung out with another couple in our house while they graded papers and we experimented in the kitchen, conversation flowing freely. We served our church and were encouraged by each other and also a few surprise people. Slowly, we crawled out of the depths into some sense of normalcy.

This morning at church I was reflecting on how different Friday at 6 pm to today was, and came across 2 Corinthians 7 (MSG):

"When we arrived in Macedonia province, we couldn't settle down. The fights in the church and the fears in our hearts kept us on pins and needles. 

We couldn't relax because we didn't know how it would turn out."

I actually don't have a clue why they were so nervous specifically, but man! That's what I felt like! The passage goes on to talk about how a visit from their friend Titus took them from "worry to tranquility in no time!" I was amazed that someone else, namely Paul and his friends, got just as anxious and worried as I did! I'm not a weird basket case that can't keep it together. I'm a human being!

We're still in the waiting stage, but I think we've learned a little peace along the way. There are still hard decisions to be made, and wisdom to be discerned. but at least for this weekend, we have come up for air. And it's clean. It's fresh. It's perfect for what we need.