Becoming a Mother is...

Warning before you read: sleep deprivation is real, y'all. My thoughts are golden, but they make not be arranged cohesively.

Sometimes being a first time mom sucks. It just does. It's not that I don't love my baby - she's the cutest thing I look at all day (besides my husband). It's not that I don't enjoy being home and being productive. It's just that being a first time mom is lonely. It's hard. It's mind-numbing at times. Eat, awake, sleep. Repeat. My life is lived in 3 hour increments.

You come to a point where you can't give any more. You don't know if you can really go on because who can keep giving when you're empty? You give your full attention and time to your baby, then your husband has a bad day, then your baby cries at an unusual time or you don't know what's going on with her. Once you figure it out, there's something else to give your attention to. What's this new thing that's going on? It's continual adaptation. It's continual selflessness and laying down EVERYthing you ever expected about this new stage in life. It is giving more than I even knew I could give.

I know it gets better. Everyone says that, and honestly, I'm almost 4 weeks into this deal and I can see how this week is SO MUCH better than the first week. But I feel like I'm crawling - crawling instead of walking and progressing well. I know it's slow, and I'll miss these days, but right now I don't. I'm stuck in between wanting it to be 4, 6, 10 months ahead but also knowing somedays are pretty easy compared to what may come. Stuck between wanting the days when she'll interact with me and knowing I'll also miss the days I could carry my baby with one arm.

I think it's okay for me to have bad days; days where I don't want to do this anymore, where I come to the end of my reserve. Those are the days I learn just how far I can reach and what I am made of.

Yesterday I was crying in the kitchen because I realized I am the only one that can love Avery like I do. That statement was comforting but also brought a lot of weight with it. Of course, I've always wanted to be a mom in a very loose sense, but a lot of times our picture of what that looks like is a little skewed. Acknowledging that I'm Avery's mother is a huge deal. There's a lot of responsibility but also joy in that statement. I get to experience the highs and lows, and each make the other that much more tolerable.

This blog post was my go-to yesterday. I read it at least 20 times and cried each time. If you're a first time mom or about to be, please read it. It's so spot on and encouraging:

"I know how hard those beginning months of motherhood are. Keep in mind as you are there that you are doing God's work. The difficulty of it all can really turn you to the Lord like little else. It is a growing time for you spiritually. You will come out more kind, empathetic, loving, patient, selfless, and much, much more. 

Hang in there. You will look back soon and find certain aspects of what it was to be a first time mom quite desirable. You will long for time to just be at home with no where else to be. You will fondly remember those quiet hours at home with just you and your babe. As in any stage of life, try to focus on the good aspects before you. There are always good and bad to each situation and walk of life. Focus on the good of what it is and you will make it through happier and more content. "

How I Lost 25 Lbs in One Day

AKA Avery's Birth Story :)

Before I was pregnant, I always wondered why moms posted their birth stories or shared them, as if it was a "thing" that was normal to share. I though it was odd that you'd want to share something so intimate but also gross. What's the deal?

But now I get it. It's a badge of honor, a way of saying, "this is how you came into the world," and something to remember for years to come. It's a unique and precious time, the moments before you meet your child.

On June 1, I rushed from work to my OB appointment, hoping to get out in time to make it to yoga class. I never made it to yoga - in fact, I was instructed to walk straight over to the hospital and check myself in for observation. I had preeclampsia, and thus began my 4 weeks of waiting on the couch. Towards the end, my OB mentioned he'd like to make it to 38 weeks in order to allay any complications from pre-term labor. So, we set a date of Friday, June 26 for induction.

The night before, when Brent got off work, we decided we should go on a date. At this point, we only  knew a few things about being parents: you will be sleep deprived and you will never go on a date again. Or maybe once/month. (This is funny to me now). So we went out to eat. Then we bought a new car. (Long story, but glad we did because the next week found out our old car had a broken axle and couldn't drive!)

So on the morning on June 26, we show up to the hospital to have a baby. It was so surreal. You know it's coming, but you don't know exactly what's coming. Once I registered and got to our room, I changed into a hospital gown and they hooked up an IV with saline. My OB came in an hour later, broke my water, and started the pitocin at 8:30 am (I was at 2 cm coming in). Let me tell you, breaking your water feels like you are peeing all over yourself. Except your in a bed so you just sit in it. It's gross. I got up a few times to pee, and they would change the sheets, but still, gross. Every time I moved in bed, I "peed" again. Yuck. Can't imagine what that would be like happening while I was at work! Eek.

I didn't really start to feel much until 10:30, when I'd have small twinges like I needed to go pee. (Again with the bathroom analogies). The contractions felt like someone was sitting on my bladder. Not having experienced a lot of pain in this area before, it was new to my body and mind. Over the next few hours, they got closer together and more intense. My OB checked on me again around noon and upped the pitocin because I "wasn't making a scrunchy face yet." In other words, they weren't bad enough. But soon after that, they became crazy. I started closing my eyes all the time. I couldn't talk in between. I moved to the birthing ball, and had Brent press on my lower back whenever I had a contraction.

By 4:00, I was SO OVER it. Contractions are like waves, they KEEP COMING. There are no breaks and there are no breathers. They don't stop. I have a high pain tolerance, but as I was reminded, a low mental endurance. So at 4:00 when he checked and I was only at 4 cm, I cried for the epidural. There was no way I would labor for hours and hours only to get 1 more cm.

Best decision ever.

After they put it in and it started working, we took a nap. And it was awesome. I was so much more happy and able to enjoy the process. Around 7:30 pm, I began to feel "pressure" like I had to pee, but it was NOWHERE near the pain before. I told the nurse and she said she would page my OB to come check me. I also started shaking at this point, uncontrollably, and the nurse said that was normal - it was the adrenaline I was going to need soon! My OB checked me at 8:00 and yelled "she's complete!" and then the ruckus started. Carts and trays were wheeled in, orders called out, people shuffling in the room. I had no idea what to expect! The pressure was getting stronger and then I felt my bones start to have pressure on them too. She was coming!

After about 20 minutes of pushing (which really just feels like you're trying to poop), Avery Joy Bassett was born at 8:24 pm. And seriously, my life has never been the same. Once she came out, I remember my OB laying her on my chest, all covered in goo and crying. My first thought was, "what is this?! That was in me?!" Some mothers have an instant connection with their baby, I was just freaked out about the whole thing! They whisked her off after a few minutes to the warmer and were trying to get her to cry more to get the amniotic fluid out of her lungs, meanwhile I'm not really sure what's going on - my OB is trying to show me my placenta (who cares?), then stitches me up, I start crying because it's all so overwhelming, and finally after several minutes they bring her back, a little cleaner and calmer. Honestly, I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what to expect, but it was all so surreal I couldn't react clearly. Looking back it was a relatively easy labor, but nothing could have prepared me for what was going to happen when she came!

If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't change anything. I'm glad I labored as long as I did, and I'm glad I got the epidural. It was all worth it, and I couldn't have asked for a better story!