On Becoming Mom

There are so many questions in these (literally) last few days before our baby girl joins us.

Will I have time enjoy NOT being pregnant anymore? Or will I just be tired? 

Won't she know her nursery isn't fully decorated yet? Surely newborns have aesthetic senses, right?

Will she like me? I mean, I feel like I'm pretty cool, but will she think that too?

But the most important question I'm asking myself is:

How will I know what the hell I'm doing?!

I've been on bed rest since June 1, and I've taken the time - since I have it - to read a multitude of baby books. I actually started before June 1, but was more motivated once on bed rest to pass the time with discovering the opposing ends of the spectrum that baby sleep and eating schedules encompass. I read about how your baby should feed every 3 hours, or whenever they want. They should never cry it out, but only when it works. I concluded what this mom concluded: nothing. You just figure it out.

I'm very organized, systematic girl, so the idea of a schedule is awesome. We know what to expect! We can always come back to it! But I also recognize I have no clue what this girl is going to do. She may be completely opposite of me, in which we'll just get through the younger years and then go through some organizational training later :) Just kidding. Maybe.

But really, I'm past the point of fear or worrying. I don't have time to think of all the "stuff" we still need or the tasks that need to be completed around the house. (Would I feel better if the house was clean before baby came home? Sure. But she won't know the difference and if my family cares at all, they'll clean it for me.) I'm just ready to meet this lady. Ready to not be pregnant and only have 2 positions I can sleep in. Ready to work out again and feel strong. And most importantly, ready to begin the adventure of motherhood.

Here we go!

The Most Boring Hard Work I've Ever Done

Let me just start by saying that I know other mamas have it worse than me. As I've perused the online world of bedrest resources, it's actually amazing some women don't literally go crazy. I've seen as soon as 15 weeks on bedrest. 15 weeks! You're barely showing at that point! I know I'm at 35 weeks, and only have 2 to go, so it won't be a long road for me, but it still is tough. And, who ever said one person's experience is invalidated only because someone else experienced it longer?

Back to the basics. Last Monday, I showed up to work like normal, did my job like normal, felt completely fine, maybe worried too much that I wouldn't have time after yoga to shower and let my hair completely dry before our maternity photo shoot that evening. I left slightly early to make it to my OB appt, hoping he wouldn't be running late so I could make it to yoga in time.

And then suddenly, my plans were wiped off the board. Go directly across the way to the hospital and check in. No, there won't be any maternity pictures tonight. No, you won't be going back to work for a long time. As of now, I've been diagnosed with moderate preeclampsia, and will most likely be on bedrest until 37 weeks when they'll induce, supposing nothing happens before then, like I swell up like a balloon or my kidneys start spilling protein like a waterfall in the Amazon. It obviously happened very suddenly (at least my perception of the symptoms), and it's taken me awhile to realize I won't be returning to "normal life" for several months.

While I am thankful I have great doctors who are being very cautious and kind, great family and friends who have visited or called while I've been in the hospital and since I've come home, I really just want to tell you how much bedrest sucks. It's annoying, it's boring, it's mind-numbing, it's very very hard. It's the most boring hard work I've ever done.

Being a very active person and having a job in which I am trying to convince others to move MORE is the complete antithesis to my life right now. Like completely opposite and in no way makes sense to me. Maybe if I was 14 and lazy would I enjoy a prescription to lay on the couch all day. But I'm not. I'm an exercise physiologist, and I know what happens when you lay in bed all day. I know what happens when you only walk twice a day for about 10 minutes total, and how long it takes for you to do your daily activities with ease, let alone walk on a treadmill. I have seen first hand this week just how much muscle mass you can lose in 5 days on bedrest and how weak you become. This is super annoying as I was trying my best to workout 5 days a week as long as I could in this pregnancy, mostly because I knew I wanted to be strong afterwards.

I am literally wasting away, all in the name of keeping me healthy. I realize this post might come off as whiney, but it's where I'm at. I've got no insight or wisdom at this point, I'm really just trying to adjust. I want to be strong, and I guess I'm realizing sometimes that doesn't have to be my identity.

It's also much worse being at home. There's so much to do! I would love to organize the garage, set up the baby's room, go shopping for furniture, etc. so the current battle is mentally letting go of having the house in order. No nesting for me! I do have people who are helping, but nothing can replace you and how you operate. 

Today, though, I realized that I am solely focused on baby's arrival, staying healthy, and making sure she is healthy. When would I ever normally get that privilege? If I wasn't on bed rest I would be fussing around, focusing on a lot of different things. But I'm now focused on one; at least I'm trying. :)