Pregnancy & Body Image

I don't know many girls or women who don't have issues surrounding their body image. It could be as simple as wishing something was different to all-out hatred of one's body. We stand in front of the mirror every morning, our eyes immediately going to parts you don't like, then to the parts we do, making sure they'll make up for whatever we see as imperfect, kind of like a positive/negative balance. Then we also look at other women - whether they washed their hair or not, the wrinkles in their clothes, how much hairspray and makeup they use, their choice of footwear, etc. We could be trying to distract ourselves from our own bodies or maybe wanting to feel superior to others. I've noticed it doesn't take much - we're all taught to observe and draw conclusions, but once we take those conclusions to form solid opinions of other women is where it gets dangerous. Focusing on who a person really is is a hard task! To look past what we see and get to know the person is incredibly difficult, if not time consuming, but also very worth it.

When I was, let's say, a budding teenager, if you catch my drift, I was in the throws of junior high, suddenly placed into an environment where the brand of my jeans (wide-leg Generation X) and the color of my shoes (light brown Simple shoes) was a status symbol. There was no hope for "being yourself." Why be yourself when you can create a persona with how you dress and act? It was confusing and probably not the best way to learn who I really was, but it happened and having now healed from most of those wounds, I can say I made it. One thing has stuck with me, though, only because I couldn't realize it until now.

I always hoped I would get pregnant someday so I could have an excuse to be fat.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I thought that. I desperately wanted a flat stomach, because, well that's what everyone said all girls my age should look like. It had nothing to do with the fact that I was skinny as a rail, a year-round athlete once in high school, and had the metabolism of, well, a teenager. You had to have the stomach, and I didn't. I found various ways of hiding or minimizing it, and life went on. But I always wanted to not worry how my stomach looked in tops or dresses.

Well, a surprising thing happened when I started showing my pregnancy: I learned to love my body for what it was. Yes, there was a part of me that enjoyed wearing whatever tops or dresses I wanted without worrying, but it was more than that. I realized in putting on a piece of clothing that was tighter and showed my pregnant belly, I forgot about how I looked. I was just simply pregnant. Early on, when regular clothes didn't fit but my belly was still small, I was worried if people would know that I'm pregnant or just think I'm overweight, which is a huge deal for me in my work.

But then I thought, "Who cares?!"

And that was the most freeing thought I've had since vowing to get pregnant so I could be fat.

About 6 weeks ago, one of my doctors put me on a steady taper of prednisone due to some inflammation and lab results. I always love and loathe prednisone: it makes you feel amazing but also makes you retain water, specifically in your face and upper back. I've taken prednisone off and on for about 12 years, so I always have to go through a sort of process when I start taking it. Will it make my face look fat again? I hope not this time! And ya know what? This time it did. My face is fat. But you know what else?

Who cares?!

I'm learning that loving myself means shaking off the weight that other's opinions have of me. It means being myself, unabashedly, and not worrying about what others are thinking. Just being me. I know I exercise and try to eat well. I'm healthy, and I don't need my appearance to validate that fact. I am who I am and hope you can appreciate that. I also hope I can learn to appreciate that about others, too! It's a two way street that I'm so thankful to walk now, but also once I'm not pregnant anymore.

Why I Won't Tell You Happy Birthday on Facebook

Let's be honest, when was the last time you received a piece of personal mail? Not a "handwritten" note from your insurance agent, or even a package from Amazon Prime, but an actual, personal note, letter, or gift? It's been awhile, huh?

I sort-of-fondly remember writing thank you notes after each birthday and Christmas to all the family and friends who gave gifts or came to my celebration. I'm not sure if it was the fact that I begrudged it so much growing up, but for some reason it's automatic for me to do so now. To not write a personal thank you note (on paper, in my handwriting, with a stamp) seemed like leaving the gift without any closure. Did I enjoy it? What am I using the money/gift for? Am I appreciative of it?

These days, I rarely write a note just to say hi. It seems that a text or email will do. Yes, it's more convenient and saves paper, but what are we losing when we gain our time back? Are we really communicating that the person is special, loved, and worthy of the time it takes to sit down and write a note?

My paternal grandmother (and grandfather) tried the whole computer thing. Last I checked, it was covered in a sheet, on a card table, in the corner of the dining room. I'm pretty sure they use it solely for Solitaire and to check the Salina, KS Obituaries online (with a shortcut on the desktop). Instead of sending emails, writing Facebook posts, or texting, they write letters and call as their main form of communication. Now, nothing's wrong with Facebook, it's just that you lose the personal touch when your words are reduced from handwriting to typeface. There's so much personality in my grandmother's handwriting - I save all her letters and love trying to "decode" certain words, knowing she took time to write it, and as she did, thought carefully about her choice of words.

(Even as I'm typing this, I'm wondering how different of a post it would be if I had to handwrite it. Sometimes, my thoughts come to too quickly to write them manually, but then it forces me to choose the words carefully, so maybe it is better?)

You're probably still wondering why I won't say Happy Birthday! to you on FB. Here's why:

I like receiving personal mail. Especially birthday cards.

It's funny to me that, for my 30th birthday last year, a good friend organized a "card shower" and sent out an email encouraging others to send me a card and gave my address. How many physical addresses do you know? Do you have them written down? (Another pause for irony: my address book is online). I appreciated it deeply, but it was funny that she had to "organize" the card sending when it used to be normal.

But the point is this: if I haven't spoken to you in several years, and I only know it's your special day because FB tells me, why should I tell you Happy Birthday? If I don't really have a relationship with you, does it make sense that the only time you hear from me is to give you good wishes on your birthday? It seems so shallow to me - the birthday thing but sometimes Facebook in general - because it allows me to keep tabs on my "friends" without really engaging them in relationship or REALLY hear how they're doing. I say "happy birthday!" but don't really take the time to catch up or engage you, and that feels awkward and shallow.

One of my goals this year is to be better at sending cards, not just birthday cards. I've made a Shutterfly calendar with all my friend's and family's birthdays (with a big picture of their face), to help me remember. If we're friends and I am currently in relationship with you, I want to celebrate you! It's not that I don't want to celebrate past acquaintances, but I just don't feel I have the place in their lives to meaningfully do so. I want to be intentional and present in all my friendships, and sending personal mail is one of the ways I intend to do that.