He's In The Waiting

"And now, O Lord, for who do I wait? My hope is in you."

-Psalm 39:7

As you know from the previous post, we've been waiting a while for a huge miracle and received it! Well, after the reality of that breakthrough sank in, I thought, how fun! We don't have to wait anymore!

Wrong.

It takes approximately 9 months for a baby to reach full gestation. NINE MONTHS. We had already waited over 1.5 years, so what's a few more months?

But then I began to look around my house and realized this was just going to be a full year of waiting. With the will-we-get-pregnant-or-not question out of the way, I was able to see other things that we had put on hold while we waited. Construction began on the addition to our house (which ironically we began planning for around the same time as we started trying to get pregnant), and it (still) is an seemingly endless process of waiting. They dropped the dumpster off in our driveway back in February, we cleared out the garage and rearranged our closets and guest room to accommodate the storage, but then nothing for a few months. A structural review issue. Need to submit permits again to the city. Wait some more. Then finally! In mid-April, they tore the ceiling out of our garage and floor out of the attic and began to prep for framing. Like, literally one day I came home and it was all different. But still more waiting! There's no apparent timeline for completion, and things are moving along, but still I wait until it's DONE.

I can see the progress as plain as day - it's right outside my bedroom door! I realize this is a gift; oftentimes when we are waiting, the real anxiety and impatience comes because we can't see what's going on behind the scenes (and there is most always something going on behind the scenes! See 2 Kings 6). The only hope we can hold onto is the result - or the idea of the result we have in our head - how we want it to turn out.

But even with the progress right in front of me, I'm still impatient. I'm a planner by nature, so you know that I already have to-do lists for the very moment the room is done. This furniture goes here, buy Avery a new bed, move crib to baby's room, start buying baby's furniture and decorating, etc., all leading up to the baby's due date. Maybe it's the "nesting" part of pregnancy, but honestly I just want to be settled! After 1.5 years of waiting for what our next season might be - questions hanging in the balance, the roller coaster of trust and belief - it feels good to have something concrete to hold onto. For so long we didn't even know IF God was going to expand our family, so now that we have the "go," I'm going!

Recently at church, we sang a song that was so dear to my heart during our period of waiting (and honestly still is). It was surreal, all-encompassing, full-circle experience to sing a song that you once verbally professed as "I hope this happens" but now can sing it as "this is truth."

Take courage my heart

Stay steadfast my soul

He's in the waiting

He's in the waiting

Hold onto your hope

As your triumph unfolds

He's never failing

He's never failing

Sing praise my soul

Find strength in joy

Let His Words lead you on

Do not forget His great faithfulness

He'll finish all He's begun

As the worship team and congregation sang, my throat closed up, tears streamed down my face, and I began what I call the ugly cry of connection, when my heart and God's collide. Hopefully no one was actually watching me or they might think I needed some medical attention. I was able to offer this song back to God as a thank you for his faithfulness, for the all the times I sung it cautiously, but now could sing it with confidence. What a gift!

The truth is, He IS in the waiting. There was so much we learned as a couple and as a family in that time, as our community surrounded us and prayed for us, as I saw multiple friends announce their pregnancies but learned how to respond with grace, and as we walked the road of belief and trust in the impossible. While it was extremely difficult, it was also extremely sweet. Waiting requires a lot of activity - namely, continually and actively giving over the thing you're holding onto, and releasing it to the God who created the stars and the galaxies above. I'm so grateful for that specific season of waiting, and honestly excited for this next season of waiting, as painful as it seems right now.

My hope and eyes are not fixed on that moment, that final sweet moment when I get to hold my son in my arms (here come the tears!), but on God. I'm encouraged by everyone in the Bible who had to wait as well: Abraham to see the promises that God spoke, Noah for the waters to recede (even after the sun came out!), the Israelites to be freed from Egypt, all those who were sick to be healed by Jesus, and the Jews who were waiting for their Messiah to come. As I read over these stories, I see that God give us promises to hold onto, and sometimes we get caught up in the result, but He's really more interested in the process. He wants to see our hearts cleave to His, and that process and change is worth whatever wait we are asked to endure. 

The Miracle We Have Been Waiting For

"God is not man that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. He has said, and will he not do it? Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it?" -Numbers 23;19

"Go home to your friends and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you..." -Mark 5:19

I read the these two verses recently and they prompted me that it was time. Time to tell the story, the testimony, the miracle, and joy in our hearts and spirits. It's also conveniently timed with me entering my second trimester, which means I feel all sorts of better!

To begin, you need to know the impossibility in which this miracle takes place. When I was 18, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease (Wegener's), and the treatment at the time was a course of low-dose chemo that I was warned could cause infertility. Being young, single, and very sick, I obliged, and I got better. Over the years, I went in and out of remission, but with each flare up, would use different drugs to keep my immune system calm. About six months before I started dating my now husband, I was diagnosed as being "peri-menopausal," meaning I hadn't had a period for over 6 months, but they typically diagnose menopause as no period for a year. My ovaries had no eggs left and were shutting down, they said. That day was really weird - after I heard the news, I went home and laid in bed, expecting some sort of grief to wash over me. But it didn't. I even had a friend pray for me, and she felt like it wasn't a diagnosis I was supposed to receive. It all felt very foreign and not apart of me. 

Going into marriage, my now husband and I knew we wanted children right away, so my OB recommended we visit with an infertility specialist, given my history. The specialist basically gave us two options; we could spend lots of money on treatments or we could try on our own. With faith the God could do the impossible, we chose to try on our own. Miraculously, six months into our marriage we found out we were expecting a baby! It was so surreal - I actually had a hard time receiving the gift of conception because my faith wasn't very strong - I wasn't really sure He would do it! I knew He could, but I'm not sure I believed He would. On June 26, 2105, we welcomed Avery Joy Bassett into the world. Every single day, I look at her and know she is a miracle!

Around Avery's first birthday, we began talking about trying for baby #2. Knowing the odds against us but also how quickly we got pregnant with Avery, we dove head first into the process. After 4-5 months of trying on our own, I made an appointment with my OB. He tried a few medications for several months, but ultimately sent us back to the fertility specialist. This time, the specialist was shocked and in disbelief we conceived on our own, but also had the same advice this time around: you can try some expensive treatments, or you can try on your own. He even said, "I don't see how this happened. But if you want to try again, prove me wrong." We chose, again, to try on our own. 

At this point, we had been trying to conceive for about 9 months, and the roller coaster of emotions and anxiety about the future was weighing on us. We had close friends announce they were pregnant and give birth in that time period, and it was a hard road to walk. I realized we had been running head first down a road we never asked God about. So we turned to Him, and found that He not only is a miracle worker, but He also reveals himself in the process of waiting. So we leaned into the waiting, and as we did, learned more than we could ever imagine about how big and powerful God is.

During the summer, I read infertility testimonies online to boost my faith and had friends pray over me and receive words like "your next child will be from your womb," and "Avery squared ... there will be more children." I listened and latched onto songs like Yes and Amen (Housefires), More (Red Rocks Worship), and Take Courage (Bethel). I poured myself into scripture and looked up all the fertility-related promises. I experienced amazing amounts of breakthrough in other areas of my life (food, self control, and emotional freedom and forgiveness). I picked up my pencil and paper again and began to draw what my heart was feeling - alone, sitting in a waiting room, watching friends walk out of the door with babies while I just sat there. I even got to share the journey I was on during a women's brunch at my church, which was a huge faith-builditng moment for me!

But then nothing happened. By the time December rolled around, I was getting discouraged. God, I shared with 100+ women this journey of infertility - are you just going to leave me now?! What a lame story to end with nothing! But God never leaves us. He never lets our stories disappear; He not only completes them, but He finishes them better than we ever thought possible! One day in January, I was sitting reading John 11, the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead. When I read the words that Jesus spoke ("Lazarus, come out!"), I started immediately bawling. I had no idea what was going on, but looking back now, I can see that God was doing something in my spirt and the spiritual realm to awaken dead things in my life and body!

I began to have regular periods again, which was a shock, but also faith building. Something was working! Ha! In February of this year, a friend of our church's, Joe Ewen, preached on Sunday morning. His text was from Isaiah 50 ("Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and cry to her that her warfare is ended... every valley shall be lifted up, and every mountain and hill be made low... and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed..."). I knew this word was for me and claimed it as such! I also received some beautiful words from Joe and others who prayed over me: it will be a season of plundering in an orchard - taking back that which was lost, a picture of me running through a field and embracing my Father with joy, and a picture of my heart being free and able to breathe again. I came home that Sunday grateful for the revelation, but also still not sure what it all meant! As we prayed about it, my husband got a sense that God was asking us to stand up and leave the waiting room. It felt hard, but also I was so willing at this point to go wherever He was leading, kind of like how God essentially told Moses "go where I send you. When you get there, I'll tell you." I'd said YES to Him before, and never regretted it. So we did; we committed the future of our family to the Lord and said yes. I honestly was in a place of complete surrender. I was open to anything and began thinking about adoption as a possibility. I hadn't done much research, but began to build expectancy for what God had next for us. 

On the morning of February 27, I awoke with the song You Came (Lazarus) (Bethel) in my head. I even wrote in my journal, "Lord, I don't know what this looks like. It sounds exciting, so do it!" That afternoon, I got home from work early. I was two days late on my period, and so on a whim decided to take a test "just because" I wanted to know what was going on so I could track it. After the 3 minutes was up, I glanced a the test strip and froze. Two. Solid. Lines. Positive.

I probably sat there for at least 5 minutes, not moving. I got up and paced back and forth. I took another test. Positive. I called my OB and made an appointment, then sat on the couch and bawled my eyes out, heaving and ugly crying all over the place. IT HAPPENED! HE CAME! I KNEW THAT HE WOULD COME!

I foraged and finally found the "Big Sister" shirt I had reserved for Avery to wear for such an occasion (it was buried beneath tubs of clothes!), picked her up from school, and put the shirt on her. I told her she was going to be a big sister, but I'm not sure she really got it. I couldn't wait until my husband got home! When he did finally walk in the door, he was in disbelief, but also so excited! What joy we shared! It was brief, however, because I had tickets to see Jen Hatmaker and Nichole Nordeman that night and needed to leave 5 minutes after he arrived. So it was kind of a "Hi, I'm pregnant after 18 months of trying, bye!" sort of deal! But as soon as the program was over, I rushed home and we celebrated and praised God.

I'm now 17 weeks along, and baby is doing fine! Shortly after finding out we were pregnant, I had several weeks of nausea and fatigue, a few sinus infections, and had to start a round of prednisone due to the autoimmune disease. But God is my protector and He has created this little baby BOY in my body; He will complete the story and bring all glory to Him.

As I share with others the joyous news, especially those who have walked this journey with us, I'm overwhelmed EACH time by the faithfulness of God. It's so unfathomable. It's so grand and beyond what we see. I'm committed to telling this story all my days: I want to encourage and remind others just how faithful He is and above all, that HE IS GOOD. So so good! 

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord." - Psalm 40:1-3