Due to some fears of mine, I always have to know what's going on around me, specifically so I'm not surprised when something blows up. It soothes my fears to gather as much information as possible - not just what's actually happening, but details like facial expressions, items on someone's desk, words on a piece of paper. Nowadays, I call it being perceptive or really discerning. In several ways, God has redeemed my behaviors and I am able to walk into a room and feel the emotions, collectively and sometimes individually, that are in the room. It's a great gift, and I'm blessed to be able to respond to others' needs by having that extra sense.
This paranoia of information, if you will, of course is subconscious. I would carry my phone with me at work at all times in my back pocket, checking FB and IG in between patients, when I'm walking from one side of the hospital to the other. I would check it the first thing when I woke up (to open my eyes and get my brain moving), and check it before I went to bed (to make sure I didn't miss anything big). I had to know the latest! Because there's nothing more embarrassing than not knowing what's going on, right? In this world of information at our fingertips, it's almost shameful to not be in the know. {sarcasm there}
CNN did a recent article on teenagers and FOMO (fear of missing out) - how teenagers have anxiety about seeing on social media their friends hanging out without them, or finding out they missed something someone posted. It piqued my interest. Then one day, my husband asked me bluntly "why do you look at your phone so often?" and I hadn't realized I did. One day at work I noticed how many people were on their phones with other people (without phones) standing nearby. Slowly, through several observations and pricks of my mind, I realized I used my phone for distraction, and inadvertantly, ignored others in doing so.
But if I stopped scrolling FB every hour, how would I know what's going on? How, then, could I prepare myself for what was to come? I enjoyed the "noise," so to speak, the extra information that made me feel safe and knowledgable in the world. I wasn't ready to make any sudden moves. I liked the noise too much.
But in church one Sunday, I felt the HS was asking me to respond to that problem. In an odd movement that I don't quite remember doing, I deleted the FB and IG apps on my phone. It was scary. I was letting go of control over my environment, and placing it into the Father's hands. I knew He was safe and good, but I wasn't trusting Him with my world.
The next day, I was listening to a Bethel sermon by Danny Silk on expectancy and it wrecked me. He basically delivered it straight to my heart:
When you put God in a box, you will always be disappointed. Your expectations will never be met. But if you let God give you expectancy for His goodness, you will always be satisfied. Expectations are rooted in fear, and expectancy is rooted in His promises.
I was slowly giving back to God the control He needs to work perfectly in my life. Without giving Him full control, I was limiting my experience with him. It was a hard week in learning to do that - but also so relaxing. I didn't realize how much I was trying to control my life instead of letting it happen.
In the moments where I began thinking about the next day, or wondering what my friends were up to on social media, I recalled the Message's version of Matthew 6:34:
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."
So, all in all, I've learned the WHAT: I use my phone for distraction sometimes, I tend to ignore others when I'm on my phone, and I need to release control of my world and embrace each day as it's own. It's been AMAZING to be able to be present with those around me. So much life is happening and I was missing out! I can't believe I functioned for so long without engaging my world - crazy.
I would encourage you to just take a step back from your phone and social media consumption: when do you grab your phone? What is your intent in scrolling through FB, posting something, or liking a friend's post? Just think. Don't feel ashamed or guilty - just observe. There is such power in knowing what we're doing and how we affect others. If you feel completely at peace about your engagement with social media and your phone, great! If not, do something! :)
Next up on Part II: What I Learned from Not Knowing Anything (and what I'm going to do about it)
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