He's In The Waiting

"And now, O Lord, for who do I wait? My hope is in you."

-Psalm 39:7

As you know from the previous post, we've been waiting a while for a huge miracle and received it! Well, after the reality of that breakthrough sank in, I thought, how fun! We don't have to wait anymore!

Wrong.

It takes approximately 9 months for a baby to reach full gestation. NINE MONTHS. We had already waited over 1.5 years, so what's a few more months?

But then I began to look around my house and realized this was just going to be a full year of waiting. With the will-we-get-pregnant-or-not question out of the way, I was able to see other things that we had put on hold while we waited. Construction began on the addition to our house (which ironically we began planning for around the same time as we started trying to get pregnant), and it (still) is an seemingly endless process of waiting. They dropped the dumpster off in our driveway back in February, we cleared out the garage and rearranged our closets and guest room to accommodate the storage, but then nothing for a few months. A structural review issue. Need to submit permits again to the city. Wait some more. Then finally! In mid-April, they tore the ceiling out of our garage and floor out of the attic and began to prep for framing. Like, literally one day I came home and it was all different. But still more waiting! There's no apparent timeline for completion, and things are moving along, but still I wait until it's DONE.

I can see the progress as plain as day - it's right outside my bedroom door! I realize this is a gift; oftentimes when we are waiting, the real anxiety and impatience comes because we can't see what's going on behind the scenes (and there is most always something going on behind the scenes! See 2 Kings 6). The only hope we can hold onto is the result - or the idea of the result we have in our head - how we want it to turn out.

But even with the progress right in front of me, I'm still impatient. I'm a planner by nature, so you know that I already have to-do lists for the very moment the room is done. This furniture goes here, buy Avery a new bed, move crib to baby's room, start buying baby's furniture and decorating, etc., all leading up to the baby's due date. Maybe it's the "nesting" part of pregnancy, but honestly I just want to be settled! After 1.5 years of waiting for what our next season might be - questions hanging in the balance, the roller coaster of trust and belief - it feels good to have something concrete to hold onto. For so long we didn't even know IF God was going to expand our family, so now that we have the "go," I'm going!

Recently at church, we sang a song that was so dear to my heart during our period of waiting (and honestly still is). It was surreal, all-encompassing, full-circle experience to sing a song that you once verbally professed as "I hope this happens" but now can sing it as "this is truth."

Take courage my heart

Stay steadfast my soul

He's in the waiting

He's in the waiting

Hold onto your hope

As your triumph unfolds

He's never failing

He's never failing

Sing praise my soul

Find strength in joy

Let His Words lead you on

Do not forget His great faithfulness

He'll finish all He's begun

As the worship team and congregation sang, my throat closed up, tears streamed down my face, and I began what I call the ugly cry of connection, when my heart and God's collide. Hopefully no one was actually watching me or they might think I needed some medical attention. I was able to offer this song back to God as a thank you for his faithfulness, for the all the times I sung it cautiously, but now could sing it with confidence. What a gift!

The truth is, He IS in the waiting. There was so much we learned as a couple and as a family in that time, as our community surrounded us and prayed for us, as I saw multiple friends announce their pregnancies but learned how to respond with grace, and as we walked the road of belief and trust in the impossible. While it was extremely difficult, it was also extremely sweet. Waiting requires a lot of activity - namely, continually and actively giving over the thing you're holding onto, and releasing it to the God who created the stars and the galaxies above. I'm so grateful for that specific season of waiting, and honestly excited for this next season of waiting, as painful as it seems right now.

My hope and eyes are not fixed on that moment, that final sweet moment when I get to hold my son in my arms (here come the tears!), but on God. I'm encouraged by everyone in the Bible who had to wait as well: Abraham to see the promises that God spoke, Noah for the waters to recede (even after the sun came out!), the Israelites to be freed from Egypt, all those who were sick to be healed by Jesus, and the Jews who were waiting for their Messiah to come. As I read over these stories, I see that God give us promises to hold onto, and sometimes we get caught up in the result, but He's really more interested in the process. He wants to see our hearts cleave to His, and that process and change is worth whatever wait we are asked to endure.