A Bit Too Soon

This past weekend was good in several ways: I was able to be with my family (and for a few minutes on Saturday, all together with help from Skype), got to reconnect with my friends, and I realized something about separation and trusting God.

I wasn't really "giddy" about going home, more just excited and "yeah, alright!" That should've been my first sign. When I surprised my mom at work, it was fun, but not as much fun as I thought it should be. And spending time with everyone else was good, too, but had a sort of oh-this-is-what-I-did-before-and-it-feels-normal feeling. Let me explain more.

I realized that I came home too early. (Yes, it was good to see everyone, I promise!) However, church on Sunday morning was good up until we started singing at the end. I was so joyful coming in, entering a place where so many people knew me and cared about me! Yet as I was singing I started to cry, and I can only describe it as my soul was breaking. After we were done, I began to talk to several people, but only made it through a few (oh, how I wished I could've talked to everyone!) before I HAD to leave and sobbed uncontrollably as I pulled out of the parking lot.

My soul knew that this is what I longed for: community where any number of people knew me and my story, loved me, supported me, and would listen to me. And my soul knew that it wasn't getting that kind of love in my new situation. Austin is great in every way except I don't feel spiritually supported. I know of only a few people who sincerely care about my spiritual condition. And maybe I expected to have that instant community once moving here. And I don't.

It will take time, and I think that's why it's so frustrating. I want and feel that I need it now.

So that's why maybe going home this weekend was a bit too soon. I hadn't had time to fully make Austin "my own" and feel at home here, so going back to my former home only made it that much more difficult to come back to Texas. It was a rough ride on the highway. And I have a feeling it will be so too here in Austin at least for a few more months.