Some days are good, when I forget I even have an autoimmune disease. Some days are bad, and some weeks are bad, when the doctors I see all say “I can’t do anything for you.” Sometimes the treatment fails, and you have to try something new. Your hope is always changing; hope in the new treatment, hope that the specialist you’ve come to can somehow fix your eye - and my hope in God is always the there, but there are some days when it’s stronger than others. I know He knows the end of this, and I rest in the fact that there WILL be an end, but some days are just hard.
And then sometimes I just feel completely alone. I wish I had someone to go to my doctor’s appointments with, to say, “It’s okay, I’m going to support you 100%.” I want someone to sit with me during infusion treatments, to say, “Even if this doesn’t work, I still believe in you.” I want someone to physically be there for me, when I can’t and when I have weak moments in my belief.
This isn’t the same as the last time I relapsed, it’s harder. I’m away from my family. The treatment isn’t working. My eye is still swollen and I’m now having double vision. My hair is falling out - it almost scares me when I look at the shower drain and the back of my jacket.
And then there are days where, even though I planned this trip 2 months ago for a different reason, I get to fly home and spend time with my family at the time I need it the most. So that’s good. And as always...
God is good, even when my day isn’t.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteKeep fighting, keep hoping and never give up honey. Stuff like this can be part of growing up, unfortunately. Knowing you, you'll find some way to work your way out of it and into health again!
ReplyDelete