So we were going to try EBF for the week, and I was somewhat anxious about whether it would really work, cautiously excited it might actually be the breakthrough we were praying for. That week was SO hard. I was stressed out from family visiting out of town and Brent being at work and me at home by myself trying to entertain and take care of my newborn who I didn't know much about. Avery picked up on the stress and developed some bad gas which made her super fussy. She didn't sleep too well, either. I began cutting things out of my diet to see if it helped, which it didn't. I noticed one morning that I wasn't engorged like I usually was in the morning, but passed it off as my supply just regulating. By the time family left, it was time to go to another weighed feeding.
The Friday that she turned 5 weeks old was the worst day. She wouldn't sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time from 2 am on, and I was beside myself in how to get her to sleep - I tried everything we had done so far - swing, momaroo, shushing, but nothing worked and she was crying bloody murder. I fed her, then put her in the sling so she could at least be calm. She did sleep, and I ended up calling the pediatrician and explaining she just wasn't actually normally. I already was planning on doing a weighed feeding that day, and after making the appt had a realization that I would have a plan or at least answers by the end of the day. I was ready to put the week behind me and take a step forward.
I had a friend meet me at the weighed feeding, and once I got there, I just knew she wasn't going to be taking in as much. Talking to my friend really helped put all that was happening in perspective - she also encouraged me by saying that no matter what happened, I had tried EVERYTHING and done everything to make this work. There would be no shame in switching to another feeding method.
When we weighed her after 30 minutes, she had taken in only 0.8 oz, but more importantly only gained 4 oz since the week before, which wasn't enough. It was time to go to the pedi appt, and on my way over, I realized the plan was going to change. There needed to be something different. The pedi couldn't point to anything specific, but did stress she needed to gain more weight. On the way home, she fell asleep in the car, which was one of the first times that day I had peace. Peace physically because she was sleeping, but peace emotionally because I knew what we had to do.
When I got home, I fed her a bottle of half pumped breast milk and half formula, then she took a nap. After that nap, she was HAPPY. She didn't fuss during the feeding. She had a good playtime. She was back to normal. When Brent got home I told him I needed a break from EBF and was going to do the bottle thing for the weekend then reassess. The weekend was glorious - she slept well, ate well, and peace was restored after a hellish week. I extended the bottle feeding through the next week and was amazed at how well Avery was doing. Little things I noticed, too - like the blocked tear duct she had since birth was cleared up. She also would put herself to sleep once we laid her in the crib, whereas before we had to shush her to sleep in between cries. It was like I had a NEW baby. I couldn't ignore the fact that the bottles were doing wonders for her AND me.
I kept up pumping several times a day, but eventually it got to be difficult, especially when she wouldn't go down for a nap. It also was becoming much less efficient - I had to pump longer and longer to get the same amount. I eventually weaned myself from pumping and as of last weekend, Avery is now exclusively formula fed. I've never felt better about any parenting decision I've ever made.
During the week of bliss, I came across this blog and series of posts from a mother who EBF her first, but then had the same difficulties I did with her second - wasn't efficient, switched to pumping, but eventually went to formula. I cried the entire time I read her posts. After reading them, I knew formula was the best option. It was the healthiest for ME emotionally and physically, and it was the healthiest for AVERY emotionally and physically. I could've pushed through and gone crazy all for the sake of EBF, but in the end I knew I couldn't go on. It was done.
I particularly liked this quote from one of her posts:
"Some people who nurse want to nurse because they absolutely love having their baby right there any time they want for however long they want. Some people who nurse don't actually like nursing, but they want the benefits of breastmilk for their baby. Some other people only nurse because it costs zero money. Some people who nurse love it for all the reasons and wish they could nurse forever.
The next week I went to postnatal yoga class with a friend, where moms do yoga along with interacting with their babies - kind of a fun mom's group. Some babies were asleep and some were playing - and some were hungry. Several moms would at times nurse their little ones, and I thought to myself, "that's great!" It was then that I realized I had NO GUILT and shame about my choice to formula feed. I was happy for those who could nurse, and content with my decision to feed my baby as I felt was best. Simple as that. It was a great moment.
We've been bottle feeding for awhile now, and while it still has it's challenges (like when to switch to a different size nipple, do these bottles work well?, how do I get her to not choke?) it is tons better than the struggle that was EBF. When I think about our future children and whether or not I will try nursing again, I don't know that answer. I know that babies are different, and I also know by the time the next one comes, I may be in a different place where I could try nursing again. All I really know is that this process has made more compassionate, understanding, and tolerant of the struggles moms go through in making decisions for their babies. It's not just limited to feeding - it's everything. The amount of decisions we mothers make in a day is astonishing. It's tiring! And I completely understand the need to be kind to one another in talking about our babies and how we are raising them. I hope in my conversations with other mothers that I can tone down the judgment and pride and tune up the focus on their well-being as a mom. We're all struggling with knowing if we're doing the right thing, anyways, why do we need someone else to point out we might not be? Be nice, and those around you will be too.
thanks for sharing your story Rebecca! I think it's so important for us to share our stories with each other and encourage one another. The first few weeks of motherhood are so so hard and breastfeeding is just not very intuitive or easy for many of us. I am so glad you made peace with your decision so quickly. It took longer for me but I hope if there's a next time I will go into it with a much better perspective.
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