Uncomfortable-ness

If you ever want to jump outside your comfort zone and be completely disillusioned and disoriented some days, then you should have a baby.

If you ever want to keep your schedule, have a routine, and know exactly what to expect, then you shouldn't have a baby.

I was having a rough day yesterday. Sometimes the bad days are because the baby is having a bad day and either fussy, won't sleep, won't eat, or simply just being a baby by changing up everything she does. (Like refusing to go to sleep one day and then falling asleep the moment I lay her down the next day. What?!) Sometimes the bad days are because mom is emotional and struggling with her expectations of what mom/newborn life is like and needing to cry and let go of the ideal that she is holding so dearly.

Yesterday was one of those days.

We have a bedtime routine for Avery, and it includes getting a bottle around 6:00 and then going to sleep right after. Lately she hasn't been to fond of going to sleep then, and it could be for ten thousand reasons I will never know, so we end up either rocking her to sleep or having her sleep in the sling on me, which isn't ideal but hey, she's sleeping. I consider sleeping the first priority, then if you fall asleep on your own the next, then sleeping in your crib. I'll take what I can get. Anyways, yesterday was one of those nights when she didn't want to sleep and I was having trouble with my expectation of a nice evening with my husband vs. getting the cranky baby to sleep. After we finally got her to go down, I was laying on the couch in frustration and said aloud, "I just don't like being uncomfortable!"

What makes me uncomfortable? Not knowing what to expect. Not having a plan or a schedule or a reasonable idea of what will happen. I used to consider myself pretty flexible, but lately, I've realized I really need to work on that. Babies are babies. She's not always going to do these things, and eventually I will forget that sleeping was a problem and will be focused on the next thing, like how on earth to dress my baby for daycare because she's always just hung out with me in semi-naked in a diaper or swaddled. Big things ahead!

I'm slowly learning how to take each day for what it is - a gift. And I'm also learning to look at Avery that way - as a gift. There was a time that our fertility doctor said, "So let's get you in touch with our egg donation team and go from there." We politely declined, and the Lord blessed us with not only a healthy baby, but a healthy mom! It truly is a gift that we have healthy daughter and I'm doing well.

Taking each day for what it is helps me also to see what the Lord is doing in my heart. If I focus on the past or future, I lose what the present is trying to teach me: patience and grace. Sometimes she will behave in a way I can't "fix" or help, and sometimes she will surprise me by exceeding what I thought she could do. Each moment with her is precious, each day is an adventure, and I am learning that she will never be 7 weeks 4 days old again. This is the only time that will happen.

Eventually it will get better, and I hope that I still remember what a precious time it was, and not that is was hard all the time. I want to come out of this with a grateful heart and a balanced perspective on her newborn phase. She'll only be this tiny and unpredictable for so long.