He's coming!

Joy to the world, the Lord has come!

Let Earth receive her King!
Let every heart prepare Him room,

and heaven and nature sing,

and heaven and nature sing,

and heaven and nature sing!

When we sang this song at church last Sunday, I just started bawling. All I could think about was what good news it was - HE'S COMING!!!!

If you've ever been waiting for a miracle, stuck in fear, needing a breakthrough, or just wondering when the hardship was going to end, HE'S COMING!!!!!

The Lord knows, and He wants to save us. His greatest delight is to reach down from heaven and save his children, to use his strong arm to rescue us from where we're at. He LOVES rescuing us.

"He then reached down from heaven, all the way from the sky to the sea,

He reached down into my darkness to rescue me!
He took me out of my calamity and chaos and drew me to himself,

taken form the depths of my despair!"

-Psalm 18:16 (The Passion translation)

I don't know what the atmosphere was like before Jesus was born, but I know people were expectant. They'd been told for hundreds of years there would be someone coming to save them. Someone coming to restore what was lost, mend what was broken, and to save the world from their sins. To hear that this had happened must have been such a joy and relief!

I just love the rest of the song:

Joy to the world! the Savior reigns

Let men their songs employ

While fields and floods

Rocks, hills and plains

Repeat the sounding joy

Repeat the sounding joy

Repeat, repeat the sound joy

No more let sins and sorrows grow

Nor thorns infest the ground

He comes to make

His blessings flow

Far as the curse is found

Far as the curse is found

Far as, far as the curse is found

He rules the world with truth and grace

And makes the nations prove

The glories of His righteousness

And wonders of His love

And wonders of His love

And wonders and wonders of His love

No matter what you might face, there is HOPE and PROMISE in what Jesus brings. I'm so thankful that on Sunday, when I was coming out of place of fear and anxiety, the Lord showed me that He's coming to get me! He's running! And He's here!

The O-vershare

Marriage does interesting things to people. One thing I've noticed is I'm suddenly aware of what I say about my husband. I was aware of how I spoke of others before I got married, and tried my best to be honoring and truthful, but when you know someone deeper and more intimately, it follows that there is more to share. Plus, I've noticed that society has made it perfectly acceptable, and almost normal, to "complain" about one's spouse. Somehow, when you get married, you're allowed to bemoan all the things you don't understand:

Why does he have so many white tshirts?

Can't he move the dirty dishes a mere few inches to the dishwasher? Is it that hard?

Does he really have to leave everything so dirty and gross? Boys are soooooo gross!

And on and on. Unfortunately, I am tempted often to overshare and complain. Sometimes the reaction is affirming in my complaint (not healthy, though), sometimes there's crickets and I immediately regret my comment. But what is really beneficial? Does someone really need to know that tidbit? Would I want him to share a similar anecdote about me? Usually the answer is no (if I have time to think about it!). Just because I have information doesn't mean I need to share it.

But sharing is so much fun!

Yes, yes, and yes. Sharing is a natural expression of joy - my joy is actually multiplied when I share it with someone. There is something magical about another human being agreeing in something good and rejoicing with me! Sharing is also a great way to bond with others and find similar threads of interest and thought. When I share something especially honest or vulnerable, it invites others to do the same while also sharing who I am and how you think.

I was recently struck by this Relevant article that listed 5 or so questions to ask before you posted something to social media. As I read through the list, I realized how many times I shared something I probably didn't need to. And how many times I used social media to reassure myself I wasn't crazy instead of being confident enough to keep it inside. Getting affirmation from strangers is not as satisfying as knowing within myself who I am, right?

Anyways, here's a short version of the list, because clicking on the above link and reading the whole article takes too much time: {sarcasm yo!}

1. Am I seeking approval?
2. Am I boasting?
3. Am I discontent?
4. Is this a moment to protect?
5. Is this kind?

To me, the most poignant of the questions above was #4. Just like when you take a picture of something, but in the taking forget to take in the atmosphere and experience, you miss out. There have been several times I wish I had my camera to catch a moment, but realized I caught it better in my mind than a camera or photograph could ever do. Such is with sacred moments - let them be. Sometimes it's best to have secrets!

"Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

-Philippians 4:8

I want to only share what is good and encouraging. I don't want to be fake, I want to be real, but with the lens that all things are made good in their time. I want to be respectful, and I want to preserve sanctity and intimacy. And I want others to do the same with me.

The Noise, Part II

Part II: What I Learned from Not Knowing Anything

Observations made during the FB- and IG-less week:

1. How much I touch my phone!
Without FB or IG, I actually noticed I didn't pick up my phone as much. I could check the weather and email, but that was about it. It was an odd feeling, but good because I felt a bit free-er.

2. How much I ignored the people around me
By not touching my phone as much, I suddenly observed that there was a world around me. With people. Who wanted to interact. Before, when I hit a "slow" moment where there wasn't any stimulation or input, I would reach for my phone. During that week, I noticed that I had a choice to actively engage the world around me. I could say hi to a coworker walking down the hall. I could strike up a conversation with a patient. I could go looking for something productive to do. The options were endless!

3. How much other people were on their phones and ignored me
It's an odd feeling. That someone would prefer a small, black box to your brilliant and sassy personality. Especially mid-conversation. I learned so much more than I thought I knew about active listening - eye contact - and DON'T TOUCH YOUR PHONE or even GLANCE at it - people know when you've lost interest and can tell you're done listening. Don't be that person.

4. How much I wasn't missing
Ok, I confess. I did get on FB once, on my laptop, for about 4 minutes. Those were the most wasted 4 minutes of that day - I closed the window and realized, "My life is no much better than it was before." I literally learned nothing of use or value, only facts and tidbits about people I haven't spoken to in years and/or aren't really interested in their lives. If we met on the street, I would say hi and small talk, but life has taken us to different places, and THAT'S OKAY! It's ok that friendships and acquaintances drift apart. It's natural.

I also realized how knowledge can breed pride because you know something someone else doesn't. And fake knowledge at that. How well can you really know someone through FB or IG? What about real life, man to man, deep conversation, crying, support, love through hard times, joy at success, and really understanding one another? I HATE superficiality. I'm a deep person naturally. I realized that FB was a great way to share my heart, but it only made an impact if you know me. And I somehow wasn't as able to keep my attention on the real human beings around me. It was actually embarrassing!

If you haven't seen the following video, take a few minutes and listen:



Next Steps
I've decided to reinstall IG on my phone, and have stopped following several people who I have no contact with and don't really need to know what their lives are about. I am holding myself to only checking it once or twice a day. I'm going to leave FB off my phone so I'm not tempted to check it. The only way I can check it is through my laptop. I also will be going through my feed and hiding those who, again, I don't need to know about their lives. These "rules" are to help me stay engaged in the world around me. We'll see how well they work - I'm sure they'll adapt with me.

So what?
This is ME. This is how I interact with social media and the world around me. This is not you. I pass no judgment on anyone except to say, YOU HAVE A CHOICE. You have a choice to look at your phone or ask the person next to you a question. You have a choice to let social media and your phone overtake your life, your outlook, and how you perceive yourself. You have a choice! Make a good one :)

The Noise

A Week Without Facebook and Instagram, Part One

Due to some fears of mine, I always have to know what's going on around me, specifically so I'm not surprised when something blows up. It soothes my fears to gather as much information as possible - not just what's actually happening, but details like facial expressions, items on someone's desk, words on a piece of paper. Nowadays, I call it being perceptive or really discerning. In several ways, God has redeemed my behaviors and I am able to walk into a room and feel the emotions, collectively and sometimes individually, that are in the room. It's a great gift, and I'm blessed to be able to respond to others' needs by having that extra sense.

This paranoia of information, if you will, of course is subconscious. I would carry my phone with me at work at all times in my back pocket, checking FB and IG in between patients, when I'm walking from one side of the hospital to the other. I would check it the first thing when I woke up (to open my eyes and get my brain moving), and check it before I went to bed (to make sure I didn't miss anything big). I had to know the latest! Because there's nothing more embarrassing than not knowing what's going on, right? In this world of information at our fingertips, it's almost shameful to not be in the know. {sarcasm there}

CNN did a recent article on teenagers and FOMO (fear of missing out) - how teenagers have anxiety about seeing on social media their friends hanging out without them, or finding out they missed something someone posted. It piqued my interest. Then one day, my husband asked me bluntly "why do you look at your phone so often?" and I hadn't realized I did. One day at work I noticed how many people were on their phones with other people (without phones) standing nearby. Slowly, through several observations and pricks of my mind, I realized I used my phone for distraction, and inadvertantly, ignored others in doing so.

But if I stopped scrolling FB every hour, how would I know what's going on? How, then, could I prepare myself for what was to come? I enjoyed the "noise," so to speak, the extra information that made me feel safe and knowledgable in the world. I wasn't ready to make any sudden moves. I liked the noise too much.

But in church one Sunday, I felt the HS was asking me to respond to that problem. In an odd movement that I don't quite remember doing, I deleted the FB and IG apps on my phone. It was scary. I was letting go of control over my environment, and placing it into the Father's hands. I knew He was safe and good, but I wasn't trusting Him with my world.

The next day, I was listening to a Bethel sermon by Danny Silk on expectancy and it wrecked me. He basically delivered it straight to my heart:

When you put God in a box, you will always be disappointed. Your expectations will never be met. But if you let God give you expectancy for His goodness, you will always be satisfied. Expectations are rooted in fear, and expectancy is rooted in His promises. 

I was slowly giving back to God the control He needs to work perfectly in my life. Without giving Him full control, I was limiting my experience with him. It was a hard week in learning to do that - but also so relaxing. I didn't realize how much I was trying to control my life instead of letting it happen.

In the moments where I began thinking about the next day, or wondering what my friends were up to on social media, I recalled the Message's version of Matthew 6:34:

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

So, all in all, I've learned the WHAT: I use my phone for distraction sometimes, I tend to ignore others when I'm on my phone, and I need to release control of my world and embrace each day as it's own. It's been AMAZING to be able to be present with those around me. So much life is happening and I was missing out! I can't believe I functioned for so long without engaging my world - crazy.

I would encourage you to just take a step back from your phone and social media consumption: when do you grab your phone? What is your intent in scrolling through FB, posting something, or liking a friend's post? Just think. Don't feel ashamed or guilty - just observe. There is such power in knowing what we're doing and how we affect others. If you feel completely at peace about your engagement with social media and your phone, great! If not, do something! :)

Next up on Part II: What I Learned from Not Knowing Anything (and what I'm going to do about it)

Coming up for air

Recently life has been hard. We're in the midst of it. In the thick of it. We know there's a way out; we know it will end. We just don't know how. {I apologize for the vague-ness of this post - will post details when it's appropriate to do so.}

This past week was especially hard - trying to make it through the situation we're in while also waiting for news on a possible new situation that could "rescue" us. We were supposed to find out on Friday what would happen. I was looking forward to Friday all last week. Maybe they'll call early, today. Then we can know now! The week dragged on; we heard nothing. Friday came. I woke up, weary and done with the week, hanging for dear life on the hope that by the end of the day, we would know SOMETHING. All day Friday, I was checking my phone every 10 minutes. It was really hard to focus on the tasks at hand - I could focus for 15-20 minutes, but then would be sucked back into the reality of anxiety. Waiting. Fear. What's going to happen?

Even when I went to work out, ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT was finding out the news. The news. Just tell me something. Yes or no. What's it going to be. Six o'clock rolls around, and Brent finally calls the guy and we get SOME news. We need to wait a little longer. Hang out in limbo. Almost there.

Very anticlimactic.

I just melted onto the couch. All the stress of having a day-long anxiety attack was too much. I didn't know what to do. Despite my laid-back attitude, I don't deal with stress well. It kind of overtakes me and I have no usual way to get out. So we talked. And prayed. And cried. And remembered that God is good, that He has a plan, that He knew this would happen. And really, there's nothing we can do for the weekend. We can either choose to be miserable or choose to enjoy the freedom of knowing God is in control. We chose the latter.

We ate amazing sushi and watched Antiques Road Show. I had brunch with basically my bridesmaids and house party. We had a double-date wine picnic. We adventured to Fiesta for our grocery shopping. We hung out with another couple in our house while they graded papers and we experimented in the kitchen, conversation flowing freely. We served our church and were encouraged by each other and also a few surprise people. Slowly, we crawled out of the depths into some sense of normalcy.

This morning at church I was reflecting on how different Friday at 6 pm to today was, and came across 2 Corinthians 7 (MSG):

"When we arrived in Macedonia province, we couldn't settle down. The fights in the church and the fears in our hearts kept us on pins and needles. 

We couldn't relax because we didn't know how it would turn out."

I actually don't have a clue why they were so nervous specifically, but man! That's what I felt like! The passage goes on to talk about how a visit from their friend Titus took them from "worry to tranquility in no time!" I was amazed that someone else, namely Paul and his friends, got just as anxious and worried as I did! I'm not a weird basket case that can't keep it together. I'm a human being!

We're still in the waiting stage, but I think we've learned a little peace along the way. There are still hard decisions to be made, and wisdom to be discerned. but at least for this weekend, we have come up for air. And it's clean. It's fresh. It's perfect for what we need.

Kansas

In May, my husband and I made the decision that we needed to visit my paternal grandparents on their farm in Kansas. There were rumblings since Christmas of them moving out of their house on the farm and into a sort of retirement-independent living community in town. During a discussion with my father after his own visit to see them, I felt a tug on my heart. My father said they were going through old boxes, photographs, and memorabilia, sorting what they wanted to keep and give away. Along with those items were a lot of memories, stories I've never heard and my grandparents may have never told until that point. If they were going to leave the farm, I needed to visit one more time and pay homage to the memories I had made in the house and with my grandparents, to the stories I will tell my children, and to the place in my heart that the farm has a hold on.

In Brent and I's conversation, I was telling him about what my father had said, how they were sorting through their lives and making an effort to both literally a figuratively move on. I recounted how I had spent, on two separate occasions, a week at their farm sorting through their old photographs and making each my grandmother and grandfather their own heritage scrapbook, filled with their ancestors' pictures, stories, and in the process, learning more about who I am. I told Brent about how my grandparents are people I deeply respect and love, and how my grandfather was born on the property he still lives on, almost 90 years later (that, in and of itself, is amazing!) Now Brent had only met them and visited the farm once, a visit that lasted possibly only 24 hours. But what was happening during my telling him these things was that I was realizing why it was so important that I go visit: my grandparents were the most consistent and steady family I had growing up.

Of course they aren't my only family growing up. I have been blessed with a large, loving, hilarious, and mostly uncomplicated family on both my mother and father's side. But for some reason, my paternal grandparents had a special place in my life. Maybe it's because there's a part of me that wishes I was raised by them, living a simple country lifestyle, surrounded by the beauty of a Kansas agricultural landscape. Maybe it's because, year after year, we would visit and they would still be there, still their same old selves, still believing that the Lord is good, still married, still providing the best poppyseed bread and mashed potatoes you could find anywhere. Their house changed very little over the years: they painted the wood paneling one year, got new drapes another. But I know their farmhouse like the back of my hand, and am amazed in it's simple, yet sturdy construction and use.

Their farm is one of the safest places in the world for me.

So when we actually visited in early August, we did the usual small-town Western Kansas activities: walked around the dirt roads, attended the county fair complete with funnel cakes, demolition derby, and pork burgers, as well as simply just sitting around and visiting. That's another thing I love about their farm - besides being in the quiet, peaceful country, there really isn't much to do. You just hang out. And I loved it! During our visit, Brent and I, as well as my father and stepmom, observed the changes going on, had discussions, and wondered at the best course of action. I knew the purpose of my visit, though: to grieve and rejoice. To find closure in a part of my life I am so grateful for.

On the last morning we were there, Brent and I went on a walk around the property, stumbling through overgrown grass, sliding along the gravel, and marveling at the freshly-cut wheat fields nearby with the perfect and clean blue sky as a backdrop. We even snuck a few shots in the cornfield. Towards the end, we sat on the concrete slab next to a large steel building that housed expensive farming equipment and decades of tools and farming supplies, shaded from the morning sun. I don't remember what we said, but I just started crying. The kind of crying that begins as a tight knot in your chest, comes out in unattractive gasps and sniffles, and generally makes me self-conscious that this might be one of those moments where Brent wonders who this lady is and what is happening to her.

I was so grateful to God for allowing me to have this place, for having these grandparents. I was mourning their departure and the change in their living situation, but most importantly, I was learning how to let go. I was learning how to appreciate their presence in my life, yet as I sat there depositing snot onto Brent's shirt,  I was also learning how to cling to a new presence: my husband. I was learning how even though I had a physical picture of steadfast love in my life through my grandparents, the Lord was standing behind them with even more steadfastness and faithfulness. I was learning to step forward and into a new life.

The Lord has never abandoned me. He has always been looking out for me, meeting my needs, and providing in ways that I can only realize later. I'm so thankful for the influence my grandparents had on me and can only hope I can love like they have, consistently and faithfully, powered by a God who never sleeps or slumbers. A God who sees all and knows my heart. A God who is very, very real.

Why Newlyweds Disappear

Starting when I was in college and then until the time I got married myself, I noticed a curious trend with friends that had recently gotten married: they disappeared. Not like really disappeared like in Harry Potter (soooo cool though!), but I just didn't see them that much. They would be absent from daily life and often events that normally I would expect them at. They would do curious things like say "I need to get home before dinner." Or "we're having date night tonight." Isn't every night date night? I mean, don't y'all just have dinner and stare into each other's eyes all the time? It was very weird.

My outlook on marriage at that point was that you get married so you can hang out with your best friend ALL the time as opposed to just a few hours a day, but really nothing else changes. Your current relationships, both male and female, stay the same. You can still be expected to show up at social functions, speak to your friends and family the same way, and have the same level of interest and care for them. 

Yup, not so much. Here's why we disappear. (Or at least, my opinion.)

We're essentially new people. We have consciously made a decision to start a new life together, and part of starting a new life is figuring out how to LIVE. Firstly, how do I live with another person? Why do they fart under the covers and laugh? Why do they take so long brushing their teeth? Does everything really need to be THAT clean? Secondly, if I'm forming a new life with this other person, how well do I know them? My pastor's wife remarked that she remembers wondering 6 months into marriage, compared to when they got married, how little they knew of each other! I need to spend time with them to understand not only their likes, dislikes, etc, but who they are as a person and how I can help them become the best version of themselves possible. These answers don't just come magically when you say "I do," walk down the aisle, and are suddenly married. They come over time.

It's not that I don't want to hang out with my friends, relate with them the same way, and/or spend time and energy pouring into them, but I've found a new person that is my priority. This is not to say I don't do any of the former things AT ALL, they just are put aside for a bit as my husband and I figure out who we are, who we want to be, and how this whole marriage thing works.

Eventually, we'll get to a place where we can reintegrate, if you will, but it takes a little time. It's hard because it's different, yet so so good. And it's needed. I promise!