Sunsets and Perspective

Most of my life, I've had a fascination with sunsets. I think everyone has some degree of respect and awe when a beautiful display of color is filling up the skies, but for some reason I've gathered that my level of respect and awe is slightly more than others. When I catch a good one, which is sometimes hard living in a city, it almost paralyzes me - I have to stop and stare, taking in the whole 360 view, which also involves lots of oohing and aahing.

On our road trip to Kansas for Christmas, I was watching a particularly captivating sunset as we were driving, and I had an "AH HA!" moment. A moment where I realized why I and others desire to view the sun slipping into the horizon, why people purposely build their back porches (and place their rocking chairs) facing the west, and why research shows that watching sunsets can reduce your stress levels.

Sunsets are like a "reset" button. They occur everyday, give or take a few hours depending on the season, but they ALWAYS happen. Though not always as visible or beautiful each time, it's like a regular reminder of the daily routine, the season, the changes, the earth's and star's rhythm that keeps us moving. Just think - what would it be like without a sunset everyday? I think we would all freak out! Something inherent in our human clock would be missing. I know I would start to feel very insecure and unsafe - if the sunset isn't there, then who's really in charge? There's a reason the Bible speaks of God's love and faithfulness "as surely as the sun rises."

If sunrises remind us it's a new day, sunsets help us calm down, recognize the pattern and rhythm of life, and appreciate the day we just lived. By starting into the horizon at something honestly few of us really understand (why so many reds and purples and oranges?), we simultaneously gain perspective on who we are as humans, but also that there is something bigger than us going on. As much as we like to be in control, sometimes it's comforting to know someone else is in control and has a bigger idea of who we are and what we're doing on the earth.

Sunsets remind me to slow down and appreciate the world I live in. I hope the next time you see a sunset, you're able to do the same.

(taken at Cedar Hill State Park near Dallas, Texas)

Hope

What is the point of hope, anyways? It's pretty fun for awhile, while you're waiting for something, expecting big things to happen, but somewhat either naive or confident that the event/thing will actually occur. When you're younger, you tend to be a little more naive of the realities of the world, so hope is an easy thing. The world is before you - anything can happen! As I've gotten older, I've realized it's harder for me to hope. Gotta stay practical. What if it doesn't happen? You've been burned before.

When I want to hope in something but all the input I'm getting is "reality statements" instead of faith, it becomes very difficult to get excited and expectant for what's to come. To protect myself, I set the bar really low.... as in, it won't happen so what's my plan B? I get more excited about the plan B because it seems safer. It seems more secure.

What if hope's purpose was to prepare us to receive what was to come?

Think back to when you were young and naive - what was going through your mind when you hoped for something? You dreamt about what it was going to be like when it happened - the joy, the excitement, the fun. You imagined various scenarios in your head, drew a idyllic picture of the outcome, and imagined what life would be like after it happened. When it did actually happen, even if not the same way you imagined, you still had joy! You had spent so many months preparing for it and thinking about it, there was something that had to come out! All that time preparing and thinking and planning had to be released in joy and excitement.

But the first time it doesn't happen, and I mean, goes completely wrong and different from what you imagined, you begin to grow up. You mature a little because your view of the world is wider and sadder. Your heart literally sinks. You get burned. Did I misunderstand what hope was about? Why did I even think that could be a thing? What made me think that would happen?

When I found out I was pregnant, I was shocked. Not joy-shocked, the kind where you're like what?! this is great! I had no idea! But the kind where I didn't know what to do. The home pregnancy tests came in a package of two, so I drank a bunch of water and waited again to go pee. Positive, again. I called my gynecologist's office immediately:

I need to make an appointment.
What is it for?
Well, I just took a home pregnancy test and want to make sure it was right.
Well, we usually trust the home tests. The OB usually will see you when you're about 8 weeks.
But how do I know if I'm really pregnant?
Well, I guess I can order a blood test, and we'll go from there. 

On our way to a camping trip out of state, the phone call came that yes, I was pregnant and can we schedule you for your first sonogram and OB visit? On the trip, I was reflecting one morning and had to repent for not believing God could be big enough to allow me to conceive. I realized in such a powerful way that my lack of HOPE had prevented me from fully receiving and rejoicing in the gift of pregnancy. I didn't really think it was going to happen; I had even begun setting my heart on adoption and/or foster care because it was the "safer" option for my heart.

Going forward, I'm so grateful for the gift of hope. It prepares us for what's to come. It's rooted in his promises, and allows our hearts to remain expectant without having expectations that may not happen. An expectant heart is one that's ready; and I've found it's so much MORE rewarding to hope than to expect the mediocre.

This sermon by Danny Silk on Expectancy (from Bethel) was really helpful in my journey to realizing what hope really was. If you have 45 minutes, please listen to it!

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/bethel-church-sermon-week/id76583739?mt=2&i=320040961

A BIG (Little) Miracle

We're pregnant!

This is our little baby, at about 8 weeks.

Now, for all the questions you're wanting to know...

Were you trying? Is this a surprise?
Yes, and yes. When we got married in March, I told my rheumatologist that we wanted to try to conceive soon due to my history of chemo and some interesting visits with a fertility specialist. I had read a lot about couples taking on average about a year to conceive, so we prepared for a long road. We also had no clue what to expect, and received a miracle!

Why is it a miracle?
Anytime there is conception, it's a miracle. I mean, we all know how it happens, but how does it really happen? There's something that God has to do to create a new human being.

"You formed my innermost being, shaping my delicate 'inside' and my intricate 'outside' 

and wove them all together in my mother's womb." 

-Psalm 139:14 (the Passion translation)

Quick answer: I've been on chemo several times before and at one point was diagnosed as pre- or post-menopausal. If you have a cup of coffee and a few minutes, you can read the TMI below :)

Here's why it's a medical miracle for me. When I was 18, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, Wegener's granulomatosis. The treatment my physician chose was Cytoxan, a form of chemo that, when taken in lower doses than to treat cancer, had shown to improve the disease. Any form of chemo carries risk of infertility, but I was 18 and a freshman in college with no immediate plans for a family. My physician also placed me on birth control, which was thought at the time to protect the ovaries (we actually know now that it doesn't, womp womp). Over the course of the last 12 years, I've had at least 3 rounds of low-dose chemo (other than Cytoxan), each time to treat whatever flare-up or symptoms I was having.

In summer of 2012, I went to a gynecologist for the first time (I know, I know), because I hadn't had a period in 6 months. She took some labs and then referred me to the MENOPAUSE clinic because I was showing signs of "the change." It was such a weird day when I got that call - I didn't know what to think. It wasn't devastating, but I felt it should have been. In some ways, I think the Lord was telling me it wouldn't be a big deal! Shortly after that, I lost my health insurance and so didn't really follow up with my "Menopuase" MD, not that I really wanted to, anyways! That place was just so depressing for me. Gah.

In August 2013, I got a job including broader health insurance, so I went to the GYN in November to have a follow up, and this time she sent me to a fertility specialist. I was engaged at that time, so we went together. (By the way, these things are super awkward if you aren't sleeping together. The MD asks SUPER personal questions. I'm pretty sure we just stared straight ahead the whole time!) He did a few more tests, and concluded I had low viability for my egg storage. He said the next option was for egg donation, and went on to explain how they match someone with my hair and eye color, height, etc, etc, but it just sounded so weird. We declined, and he basically said, "when you want to, I'm here, but otherwise that's all I've got." That day was really hard - we spent a lot of time afterwards processing and praying - and ultimately giving up any idea we had of a family up to God. We were comforted that although it may not look the way we want, we trusted in Him for the best for us.

After marriage, we treaded lightly on the idea of having our own children, but again trusted the Lord. We were absolutely shocked when we found out - more on that in another blog post!

When I think about this story - the past 12 years' journey - and at one point was diagnosed as PERI-MENOPAUSAL, it's so amazing. There were many family and friends who prayed for healing for me, and the Lord graciously answered our prayers. It is a true miracle! Only He could have made this possible!

How far along are you?

I'll be 11 weeks on Saturday 12/20. Our due date is July 11, 2015!

What are your biggest prayer needs?

Health for baby and mom. Having a chronic disease makes it hard to treat the disease while also keeping baby safe. We have an amazing team of physicians and specialists whom I am so thankful to have as our guides! My prayer is that I would be able to be a good incubator for our baby and that God would guard and protect both of us.

Also, prayer for logistics and budget and houses and life plans. We want to be smart, realistic, and good stewards of what we have, while also understanding what we need and where God is leading our family. Pray for wisdom and guidance from God.


Thank you so much for reading our story - it really is a story of God's faithfulness and promises. Please feel free to share it with others. I want the hope and light of this testimony to  be a inspiration and release of fertility on others. I would've loved to hear this when I was wondering if we'd ever get pregnant! :)

He's coming!

Joy to the world, the Lord has come!

Let Earth receive her King!
Let every heart prepare Him room,

and heaven and nature sing,

and heaven and nature sing,

and heaven and nature sing!

When we sang this song at church last Sunday, I just started bawling. All I could think about was what good news it was - HE'S COMING!!!!

If you've ever been waiting for a miracle, stuck in fear, needing a breakthrough, or just wondering when the hardship was going to end, HE'S COMING!!!!!

The Lord knows, and He wants to save us. His greatest delight is to reach down from heaven and save his children, to use his strong arm to rescue us from where we're at. He LOVES rescuing us.

"He then reached down from heaven, all the way from the sky to the sea,

He reached down into my darkness to rescue me!
He took me out of my calamity and chaos and drew me to himself,

taken form the depths of my despair!"

-Psalm 18:16 (The Passion translation)

I don't know what the atmosphere was like before Jesus was born, but I know people were expectant. They'd been told for hundreds of years there would be someone coming to save them. Someone coming to restore what was lost, mend what was broken, and to save the world from their sins. To hear that this had happened must have been such a joy and relief!

I just love the rest of the song:

Joy to the world! the Savior reigns

Let men their songs employ

While fields and floods

Rocks, hills and plains

Repeat the sounding joy

Repeat the sounding joy

Repeat, repeat the sound joy

No more let sins and sorrows grow

Nor thorns infest the ground

He comes to make

His blessings flow

Far as the curse is found

Far as the curse is found

Far as, far as the curse is found

He rules the world with truth and grace

And makes the nations prove

The glories of His righteousness

And wonders of His love

And wonders of His love

And wonders and wonders of His love

No matter what you might face, there is HOPE and PROMISE in what Jesus brings. I'm so thankful that on Sunday, when I was coming out of place of fear and anxiety, the Lord showed me that He's coming to get me! He's running! And He's here!

The O-vershare

Marriage does interesting things to people. One thing I've noticed is I'm suddenly aware of what I say about my husband. I was aware of how I spoke of others before I got married, and tried my best to be honoring and truthful, but when you know someone deeper and more intimately, it follows that there is more to share. Plus, I've noticed that society has made it perfectly acceptable, and almost normal, to "complain" about one's spouse. Somehow, when you get married, you're allowed to bemoan all the things you don't understand:

Why does he have so many white tshirts?

Can't he move the dirty dishes a mere few inches to the dishwasher? Is it that hard?

Does he really have to leave everything so dirty and gross? Boys are soooooo gross!

And on and on. Unfortunately, I am tempted often to overshare and complain. Sometimes the reaction is affirming in my complaint (not healthy, though), sometimes there's crickets and I immediately regret my comment. But what is really beneficial? Does someone really need to know that tidbit? Would I want him to share a similar anecdote about me? Usually the answer is no (if I have time to think about it!). Just because I have information doesn't mean I need to share it.

But sharing is so much fun!

Yes, yes, and yes. Sharing is a natural expression of joy - my joy is actually multiplied when I share it with someone. There is something magical about another human being agreeing in something good and rejoicing with me! Sharing is also a great way to bond with others and find similar threads of interest and thought. When I share something especially honest or vulnerable, it invites others to do the same while also sharing who I am and how you think.

I was recently struck by this Relevant article that listed 5 or so questions to ask before you posted something to social media. As I read through the list, I realized how many times I shared something I probably didn't need to. And how many times I used social media to reassure myself I wasn't crazy instead of being confident enough to keep it inside. Getting affirmation from strangers is not as satisfying as knowing within myself who I am, right?

Anyways, here's a short version of the list, because clicking on the above link and reading the whole article takes too much time: {sarcasm yo!}

1. Am I seeking approval?
2. Am I boasting?
3. Am I discontent?
4. Is this a moment to protect?
5. Is this kind?

To me, the most poignant of the questions above was #4. Just like when you take a picture of something, but in the taking forget to take in the atmosphere and experience, you miss out. There have been several times I wish I had my camera to catch a moment, but realized I caught it better in my mind than a camera or photograph could ever do. Such is with sacred moments - let them be. Sometimes it's best to have secrets!

"Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

-Philippians 4:8

I want to only share what is good and encouraging. I don't want to be fake, I want to be real, but with the lens that all things are made good in their time. I want to be respectful, and I want to preserve sanctity and intimacy. And I want others to do the same with me.

The Noise, Part II

Part II: What I Learned from Not Knowing Anything

Observations made during the FB- and IG-less week:

1. How much I touch my phone!
Without FB or IG, I actually noticed I didn't pick up my phone as much. I could check the weather and email, but that was about it. It was an odd feeling, but good because I felt a bit free-er.

2. How much I ignored the people around me
By not touching my phone as much, I suddenly observed that there was a world around me. With people. Who wanted to interact. Before, when I hit a "slow" moment where there wasn't any stimulation or input, I would reach for my phone. During that week, I noticed that I had a choice to actively engage the world around me. I could say hi to a coworker walking down the hall. I could strike up a conversation with a patient. I could go looking for something productive to do. The options were endless!

3. How much other people were on their phones and ignored me
It's an odd feeling. That someone would prefer a small, black box to your brilliant and sassy personality. Especially mid-conversation. I learned so much more than I thought I knew about active listening - eye contact - and DON'T TOUCH YOUR PHONE or even GLANCE at it - people know when you've lost interest and can tell you're done listening. Don't be that person.

4. How much I wasn't missing
Ok, I confess. I did get on FB once, on my laptop, for about 4 minutes. Those were the most wasted 4 minutes of that day - I closed the window and realized, "My life is no much better than it was before." I literally learned nothing of use or value, only facts and tidbits about people I haven't spoken to in years and/or aren't really interested in their lives. If we met on the street, I would say hi and small talk, but life has taken us to different places, and THAT'S OKAY! It's ok that friendships and acquaintances drift apart. It's natural.

I also realized how knowledge can breed pride because you know something someone else doesn't. And fake knowledge at that. How well can you really know someone through FB or IG? What about real life, man to man, deep conversation, crying, support, love through hard times, joy at success, and really understanding one another? I HATE superficiality. I'm a deep person naturally. I realized that FB was a great way to share my heart, but it only made an impact if you know me. And I somehow wasn't as able to keep my attention on the real human beings around me. It was actually embarrassing!

If you haven't seen the following video, take a few minutes and listen:



Next Steps
I've decided to reinstall IG on my phone, and have stopped following several people who I have no contact with and don't really need to know what their lives are about. I am holding myself to only checking it once or twice a day. I'm going to leave FB off my phone so I'm not tempted to check it. The only way I can check it is through my laptop. I also will be going through my feed and hiding those who, again, I don't need to know about their lives. These "rules" are to help me stay engaged in the world around me. We'll see how well they work - I'm sure they'll adapt with me.

So what?
This is ME. This is how I interact with social media and the world around me. This is not you. I pass no judgment on anyone except to say, YOU HAVE A CHOICE. You have a choice to look at your phone or ask the person next to you a question. You have a choice to let social media and your phone overtake your life, your outlook, and how you perceive yourself. You have a choice! Make a good one :)

The Noise

A Week Without Facebook and Instagram, Part One

Due to some fears of mine, I always have to know what's going on around me, specifically so I'm not surprised when something blows up. It soothes my fears to gather as much information as possible - not just what's actually happening, but details like facial expressions, items on someone's desk, words on a piece of paper. Nowadays, I call it being perceptive or really discerning. In several ways, God has redeemed my behaviors and I am able to walk into a room and feel the emotions, collectively and sometimes individually, that are in the room. It's a great gift, and I'm blessed to be able to respond to others' needs by having that extra sense.

This paranoia of information, if you will, of course is subconscious. I would carry my phone with me at work at all times in my back pocket, checking FB and IG in between patients, when I'm walking from one side of the hospital to the other. I would check it the first thing when I woke up (to open my eyes and get my brain moving), and check it before I went to bed (to make sure I didn't miss anything big). I had to know the latest! Because there's nothing more embarrassing than not knowing what's going on, right? In this world of information at our fingertips, it's almost shameful to not be in the know. {sarcasm there}

CNN did a recent article on teenagers and FOMO (fear of missing out) - how teenagers have anxiety about seeing on social media their friends hanging out without them, or finding out they missed something someone posted. It piqued my interest. Then one day, my husband asked me bluntly "why do you look at your phone so often?" and I hadn't realized I did. One day at work I noticed how many people were on their phones with other people (without phones) standing nearby. Slowly, through several observations and pricks of my mind, I realized I used my phone for distraction, and inadvertantly, ignored others in doing so.

But if I stopped scrolling FB every hour, how would I know what's going on? How, then, could I prepare myself for what was to come? I enjoyed the "noise," so to speak, the extra information that made me feel safe and knowledgable in the world. I wasn't ready to make any sudden moves. I liked the noise too much.

But in church one Sunday, I felt the HS was asking me to respond to that problem. In an odd movement that I don't quite remember doing, I deleted the FB and IG apps on my phone. It was scary. I was letting go of control over my environment, and placing it into the Father's hands. I knew He was safe and good, but I wasn't trusting Him with my world.

The next day, I was listening to a Bethel sermon by Danny Silk on expectancy and it wrecked me. He basically delivered it straight to my heart:

When you put God in a box, you will always be disappointed. Your expectations will never be met. But if you let God give you expectancy for His goodness, you will always be satisfied. Expectations are rooted in fear, and expectancy is rooted in His promises. 

I was slowly giving back to God the control He needs to work perfectly in my life. Without giving Him full control, I was limiting my experience with him. It was a hard week in learning to do that - but also so relaxing. I didn't realize how much I was trying to control my life instead of letting it happen.

In the moments where I began thinking about the next day, or wondering what my friends were up to on social media, I recalled the Message's version of Matthew 6:34:

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

So, all in all, I've learned the WHAT: I use my phone for distraction sometimes, I tend to ignore others when I'm on my phone, and I need to release control of my world and embrace each day as it's own. It's been AMAZING to be able to be present with those around me. So much life is happening and I was missing out! I can't believe I functioned for so long without engaging my world - crazy.

I would encourage you to just take a step back from your phone and social media consumption: when do you grab your phone? What is your intent in scrolling through FB, posting something, or liking a friend's post? Just think. Don't feel ashamed or guilty - just observe. There is such power in knowing what we're doing and how we affect others. If you feel completely at peace about your engagement with social media and your phone, great! If not, do something! :)

Next up on Part II: What I Learned from Not Knowing Anything (and what I'm going to do about it)