Ashes

I'd like to say over the past several weeks I've been uber-productive, had scores of job interviews, and been so happy and agreeable the whole time. Instead, I've been semi-productive, had one job interview, and been happy about 50% of the time. I'm learning that being unemployed is exciting only for the time it takes to fully relax and recover. Then, you start getting antsy and worried you're going to be purpose-less for the rest of your life. Thankfully, I have friends and a Father who speak truth into my life constantly. :)

Tomorrow I set off on what will probably be a very emotional and exciting trip to Kansas. I'll spend a few days in Lawrence, a few days with my maternal grandmother, and then a week out on my paternal grandparent's farm. My main purpose in visiting the farm is to create a scrapbook of my grandfather's childhood and heritage. You know, all those old, crumbling pictures that they bring out every Christmas and thumb through but forget who everyone is? Well, I cringe at those pictures and dream of how much better they can be preserved and archived for their succeeding generations. I made a scrapbook for my grandmother a few years back, and this year, my grandparents are celebrating their 65th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY so I offered to complete the set and make my grandpa one, too.

Y'all, can I tell you about my grandparents?

They were married on April 7, 1947. As you can see in the picture above, my grandpa's flower was pinned upside down. The story is that he didn't know otherwise, someone just told him that was correct. We have plenty of laughs about it now! My grandmother grew up in a small town a few miles from Oberlin, KS and met my grandfather in school. After they were married, they settled in his parent's farmhouse and continued the business. In fact, my grandfather was BORN on the property they still live on. It's like stepping into a different world when I go to the farm.

A few weeks ago, about 70% of their farm was burned in a fire that started when an overheated car pulled off the dirt road into a ditch, then caught the dry grass on fire near their property. One of the many outbuildings burned, this once magnificent barn was reduced to steel and ash.

(The picture above is looking west, the picture below is an aerial shot looking south.)

So, needless to say, this trip to the farm will be different. I'll be attempting to capture the life and story of my grandfather, his war stories, turning points, and spiritual wisdom, preserving the memories he has left for me and my grandchildren. And I'll attempt to grieve and cope with the loss of such a meaningful place in my life - where I've skipped over hale bales as a child, drove around on a four-wheeler as a teenager, and as I got older, learned to appreciate the antiquity and tradition my grandparent's lives exemplified. I'm deeply traditional and love stories, and I'm excited about what I'm going to experience and remember, but also know it will be hard at times to face the reality of aging grandparents and an ashen farmstead. All in all, though, isn't that what we become? Dust to dust, ashes to ashes? I hope my life can be recorded and remembered as such:

¹⁹ “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. ²⁰ But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. ²¹ For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." -Matthew 6:19-21

From Grieving to Dreaming

I'm a firm believer that the Lord gives extraordinary grace when we go through extraordinary experiences. The fact that I was let go of a job I loved dearly on a Thursday and by Sunday was excited about the next possibility all is an example of His amazing healing power. That's not to say it wasn't hard. Because it was such a shock, I spent hours processing and crying and journaling and praying and crying and sleeping, but in 3 days I was turning the corner of my new future. Looking back, I'm amazed I'm still sitting upright.

I began to realize the job I had was not the perfect one for me anymore. When I moved here to take it in January 2010, it was the perfect job, just what I needed. But with all the Lord has changed in my heart and mind this past year, it no longer was a good fit. I found myself trying to do new things with the same tools and resources, and it just didn't work. My new perspective, internal process, and vision for my life just weren't fitting in well. I tried to push it, mold it, and stuff it in a box that just wasn't the right shape, but now I see I need a new box. I need a new field, rather.

Because the Lord times things so well, the chapter I was on in the book I'm reading (Supernatural Power of a Transformed Mind by Bill Johnson) was titled, "Dreaming with God." (I already ordered his book on this topic from amazon :) It profoundly shifted my idea of what this new season could hold. Most of us have jobs or do activities out of necessity - not because we want to and it's our passion. A small minority work in jobs that flow so well with who we are and what we want to do. But often, we aren't allowed that freedom to dream; we have to make a decision when we're 18 so there's a way to pay for the college we're about to attend, we have to feed a family, we need a place to live, etc.

But what if we were allowed to dream?

What if God said, "I'm going to give you one huge idea, and I want it to shape every breath of your life, every bit of ministry, every prayer. The idea is, 'On earth as it is in heaven.' Now go! Run with it! Make it happen." (-Bill Johnson)

"If you abide in me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you." - John 15:7

I've spent the past week reflecting on this question. What is my dream? I've never had the opportunity to dream like this, so the answers are coming slowly. It's like giving a child from the slums a million dollars - they have no clue where to even start!

But I do know this - the Lord has a plan. He has it all worked out. My Daddy upstairs will provide every step of the way. All I need to do now is just rest, remember what it's like to be a child with God, and HAVE FUN! It's all an adventure, right?

Where have you been?

Let me explain.

September 1, 2011 I started D-School which subsequently and beautifully took over my life. We graduated at the end of March, and it took a few months to remember that yes, I can just hang out every night if I want to, and yes, there's time to do laundry and grocery shopping during the week! It was a great delight to have my schedule free again.

Over the past several months, as my eyes gaze across my internet toolbar, I remember "Oh, I should blog about something!" And occasionally after a profound thought and story I think everyone should hear, I think I should sit and type and verbally process my experience. But I always had something "better" to do and shrugged it off.

Well, I'm back! I now have an undetermined amount of time to sit, process, type, post, and expunge all my thoughts and dreams. How did I get so much time on my hands? Well that shall be the first topic I blog on... how I lost my job. :)

P.S. I'm not going to rip my former employer or coworkers, go on a rant about everyone sucks, or invite legal action against myself (do y'all know me?). I probably won't even talk much about how it happened. Just how I'm doing. That's what these things are for, right?

Switching Banks

Besides moving, I have never switched banks. I've had a different one for each phase of my life and where I was living, but I've never actively switched a bank in the same city. And by switch, I mean everything: all accounts, money, direct deposit, EBT setups, etc.

Let me tell you: it's a pain.

It takes some planning to go smoothly. I wrote out the many bills I pay through direct EBT, then figured out what time of the month would be best to switch my accounts based on when they were due. Once I opened the account, I straddled my money between two accounts for the 2 weeks in between my paychecks, which also required some planning. But now it's smoothing out.

Why did I switch? I was a member of a national bank chain, and it just got silly. In order to "keep" my checking account free, I had to do one of the following: pay $5/month, transfer at least $25/month to a savings account, or have the bank transfer $1 to a savings account everytime I use my debit card. The way I structure my finances and savings, it was impossible to do any of those options. I was always transferring stuff back and making sure my budget was in line after I let the bank do whatever magic they had to do to satisfy themselves that I was worth their time. Sheesh.

I switched to a local credit union, and I LOVE IT. I applied online, which was mostly a product of me not having time when the bank is actually open to go talk one-on-one. I received several emails with super-helpful information. I also actually went into a branch today to get a letter for my direct deposit at work, and OH MY they are nice! And they explain things so simply! I have a tendency to get lost with financial jargon, so it was very refreshing to experience simple terms and no funny rules. The lady I spoke with was super great.

I feel like this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

(Bonus points for guessing which movie that quote is from).

Day in the Life

I'm sure you have some idea of what I do, but after explaining my job about 30 times this past weekend at homecoming, I realized a description from the Bureau of Labor Statistics isn't quite the key and a better descriptor would be a day in the life blog post. I must give a caveat in that MWF and T/R are quite different, but this should help you nonetheless. Here we go!

5:30 AM This is when my alarm goes off.
5:45 AM This is typically when I actually roll (literally, roll) out of bed
Eat breakfast, spend time with Jesus, shower/get ready
7:00 AM Leave, make a monotonous and boring drive up I-35 (on MWF, I leave at 6:15)
7:30 AM Arrive at work, turn on lights, check crash cart, glucometer tests
Pull inpatient orders off the printer, research on Meditech (online medical records database), update acct numbers, answer emails
8:00 AM Interns arrive, plan study and activites for the morning, fill out eval for one intern who's advisor I'm meeting with tomorrow
8:30 AM Finally get up to the floor to see inpatients! First patient: stent
9:15 AM Documentation - this is the bane of my existence as an EP, I just don't get it! Very redundant
9:30 AM Meet with a patient in cath lab holding area who needs CABG surgery but is anxious - very sweet and touching. Success! She agrees to surgery.
10:30 AM Return to floor, see another stent patient & document
11:30 AM Type up outpatient schedule for next week on Excel (I like this stuff - organized, neat, planning!)
12:30 PM Lunch outside in the courtyard! So nice!
1:00 PM Afternoon outpatient clinic - sit at monitor while intern takes BPs, talk to pts, review charts
2:30 PM Write reports from outpatient clinic, answer more emails
3:00 PM Potential intern for Spring 2012 interview, on the phone from GA
3:30 PM Copy patient charts to be sent over to HIM - read: boring!
4:00 PM Leave!

On MWF, there's more outpatient clinic, interactions, teaching pts weights and how to use machines, as well as performing exercise evals. And then this week, I went to a health fair two separate days and did body fat/BMI and BP screenings. I definitely love the variety of my job and the contact I get with people everyday. There's always something new, some new challenge, and some new person to connect with and encourage in their life. LOVE IT!

Vegan Update

It's been approximately 19 days since I went vegan. I say approximately because I had to cheat while on vacation in Arkansas and there have been a few times here and there where I've not been a vegan purist. But overall I'm only eating plant-based foods, which mainly include vegetables, fruit, grains, and Dr. Pepper.

Okay, DP isn't really plant-based, but it's not animal-based!

On to the update.

What have I eaten?
My breakfasts aren't that different from before - cereal and (soy) milk, or waffles with peanut butter and syrup, etc. Really simple. For lunch, I usually stick with a salad of spinach, grape tomatoes, and cucumbers, topped with raspberry vinaigrette. One of my FAVORITE creations is a sandwich with sliced tomatoes, avocados, and cucumbers. Or I'll just eat leftovers from whenever. I've found that I'm not particularly putting meals together that make sense, and I think that's okay for now!

Dinner has been: pasta & tomato sauce, broccoli and carrot stir fry, bean burritos, smoothies and sandwiches, or whatever I can find in the fridge to put together. Again, my meals don't make a lot of "sense" or look pretty together, but they fill me up and keep me eating healthy!

What have I learned?
I'm a rule-follower, so having boundaries and instructions are the best ways to produce obedience in me. I eat rather healthy, but have the propensity to eat junk a lot, justifying it by saying that I eat healthy other times, I work out a lot, I'm young, etc. I've learned a whole bunch about being creative with vegetables, that eating healthy tastes AMAZING, and that it's not as hard as I thought it would be. In fact, it's fairly simple. When you only have 3 food groups to choose from instead of 5, it tends to simplify things a bit!

On a more TMI note, I've learned that a major increase in fiber has drastic effects on your GI system. I've apologized profusely to my roommates and coworkers, but no one seems to fess up that they notice. Yay! :)

Will I keep doing it?

I will continue to eat a vegan-style diet as long as it is convenient. Before you snicker, here's the rationale. I'm doing it just to eat healthier, and if a situations arises in which I have limited choices on food (eating with friends, family outings, vacation, etc.), I'm not going to be in the pain in the butt who requests plant-based stuff only. I'm doing this solely to feel better about my dietary choices and have more energy, and "everything in moderation" is a great phrase to use here. I'm not sure how well this will work into winter when fewer vegetables are available out of season, but we will see. I have no moral motivations, so cheating every once in awhile is fine with me!

Homecoming

I spent this past weekend in and around Siloam Springs, AR and my alma mater's homecoming. I flew into and out of Kansas City because it was cheaper and my ride was leaving from KC, so I got to spend some time with my family as well. I had been back to AR last fall for a wedding, but we were literally there for 16 hours so I didn't have time to look around or meet up with people in the area. But this year was my FIVE YEAR reunion since graduating college, so I figured it was time.

I drove down with my roommate from junior year, and was able to reconnect with a lot of old friends. The funny thing about homecoming is that you don't really know who's going to be there until you show up. There were a few people I knew who were still in the area, but it was really a luck of the draw for those I wasn't sure about. This being my first homecoming, I wasn't sure how that would work - should I call the people I wanted to hang out with? Just show up?

I met with another of my former roommates this morning and we were talking about how sometimes it's just okay to not be as good of friends anymore. It's okay to catch up and leave where you left off with friends from college. Going into it, I think I felt a bit guilty I hadn't kept up with ALL of my friends. But leaving, I understood that (1) that's literally impossible, and (2) I moved twice and developed two new communities since graduating, so my social support and friendship-keeping energy was mostly spent locally. And that's okay!

Another thing that struck me this morning as we were talking was that perhaps keeping up with one another is more complicated now because we have SO MANY options to do so that we didn't before, like texting, FB, email, etc. It's still being worked out in the social realm which ways are appropriate and which aren't.

This weekend was also great because I got to visit two of the places I consider home. And that always feels good!